Scott Ott

Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama hails phony stimulus jobs as faux GDP boon

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Obama on Friday hailed the "amazing growth" in phony stimulus jobs, especially from nonexistent congressional districts, as a "sure sign that we're seeing a make-believe recovery and an encouraging spurt in faux GDP." Faux gross domestic product usually trails other false economic indicators, the president said, but with projected unemployment plummeting, the federal government's top alleged experts predict ill-founded consumer confidence will bounce back "before the end of the year at the latest, and quite possibly before supper time tonight." While Republicans and other skeptics have slammed the...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama: Palin book shows need for memoir public option

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Decrying the lack of "choice and competition" in the U.S. memoir market, President Obama today backed a House bill to create a "single-writer public option" autobiography to serve the needs of an estimated 47 million Americans who can't afford Sarah Palin's $28.99 hardcover "Going Rogue." Although the Congressional Budget Office estimates the cost of the measure at $1.7 trillion over 10 years, the president said it would "not add a single dime to the deficit" because funding would come from a 55 percent tax on sales of "Going Rogue" as well as on any future Palin books, radio and TV shows,...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama says jobs summit won't hike deficit

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. As he left for a weeklong trip to Asia, President Obama announced he would hold a U.S. "jobs summit" in December, and promised that the convention of experts in government, business and academia would figure out how to get tens of millions of Americans employed and "won't add a dime to the deficit." Obama said funding for the summit would come from millions of dollars worth of savings squeezed from existing government employment programs. "The very act of holding a jobs summit," Obama said, "will create or save some 37,000 jobs at the Departments of Commerce, Housing and Urban Development, and in the private sector airline, hotel, dry...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Journalists raise funds for troubled Fort Hood shooter

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Journalists across the nation, moved by the plight of a troubled Muslim psychiatrist whose "understandable emotional turmoil" broke out in gunfire last week at Fort Hood, Texas, will hold a major fundraising event in the coming weeks in honor of the accused shooter, Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan. News coverage of the tragedy sparked reporters and anchors in the mainstream media to "reach out to Hasan in love and brotherhood because his righteous indignation at the illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan led him to express his outrage in the only avenue open to a non-journalist," according to an unnamed organizer of the upcoming charity...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama plans joint library with Bush

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. As President Obama marked the one-year anniversary of his election by blaming his predecessor for the failure to convert the promise of "hope and change" into legislation and policy, a top White House official reported ongoing talks with associates of George W. Bush about "presidential library co-location." "What we have here," said the unnamed official, "is really one legacy. So, it makes sense to have one presidential library. Not only is it less expensive that way, but it will reduce the carbon footprint for the structure, as well as cut greenhouse gas emissions generated by the cars and planes of those who wish to visit libraries...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama marks election anniversary with sabbatical

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Obama marked the one-year anniversary of his election by announcing he would take a nine-month sabbatical "to rest and refresh after a grueling year of staggering accomplishment." The former college professor said fulfilling his campaign promises has been "exhausting, but satisfying," and he needs time to regroup, retool and make plans for his remaining seven years. "My historic election, followed by my landmark inauguration kicked off an unprecedented burst of accomplishment beyond the wildest dreams of our forefathers," said Obama. "In just 365 days, we've already talked about restoring U.S. moral leadership, we've...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama girls get H1N1 shot, but still exhaling CO2

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. After a week of national angst over Barack and Michelle Obama's delayed vaccination of their daughters against the H1N1 virus, Americans let out a collective sigh of relief at news that the girls finally got the shot. However, an unnamed top White House official said today that the danger has not completely passed, because the girls continue to exhale climate-changing carbon dioxide. "A lot of people thought the president was a hypocrite for hyping the urgency of swine flu without inoculating the girls," the unnamed official said. "But, as everyone knows, the threat posed by global warming is much greater, and yet Obama has...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama adds public option to World Series

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Obama today announced his plan to add "choice and competition" to the World Series of Major League Baseball by adding a 'public team' to the traditional end-of-season championship duel. The president said the public option was needed because the American League champion New York Yankees and National League victors, the Philadelphia Phillies, were "motivated by greed to put their own interests ahead of the interests of the American people." "Without a public option," said Obama, "you would just see two teams trying to run up the score, without any consideration of the price a ticket to the ballpark, which is out-of-reach for...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Czar cuts exec pay, allows just one buffet trip

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Obama administration pay czar Kenneth R. Feinberg announced today that, in addition to severely slashing paychecks of top executives at firms which the federal government bailed out, he would also limit them to a single daily trip to the "all you can eat" buffet in the company cafeteria. Feinberg, the Treasury Department official tasked with revitalizing the executive head-hunter industry by setting pay rates at bailed-out financial firms, said, "Americans have little tolerance for corporate fat cats who feed at the public trough, and then make two, sometimes three trips, to the buffet for soup, salad, vanilla pudding and...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Hillary talks with Fox News, offers bilateral fact cuts

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. As tensions mount in the cold war between the White House and Fox News, Obama administration sources say the president could soon dispatch Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for direct, high-level talks with Fox News President Roger Ailes. The furor erupted when Fox unilaterally "fact-checked" an Obama administration source, a practice unheard of in television news. Clinton hopes to "reset" the dialogue between Ailes and Obama by proposing "joint fact cuts without the normal monitoring and compliance protocols," she said this morning. "This is a goodwill gesture from President Obama," Clinton said. "He's willing to let bygones be...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Limbaugh sparks NFL to ban divisive 'trash talk'

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Just days after controversial radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh was dropped from a syndicate seeking to purchase the St. Louis Rams pro football franchise, the NFL announced that stiff fines, suspensions and possible banishment would face players, coaches or owners who engage in divisive rhetoric. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that while the league has no current problem with divisiveness, or so-called "trash talk," "we want to send a clear signal of zero tolerance." "The last thing that the NFL needs is an atmosphere that pits one group of people against another," said Goodell. "Football is such an American favorite because...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: U.N. warns Obama on unilateral climate action

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. The United Nations General Assembly today voted to rebuke the United States for its "unilateral, saber-rattling against climate change," and encouraged President Obama to allow time for negotiations, inspections and monitoring to produce a win-win solution. U.N. diplomats expressed concern that Obama's increasingly bellicose rhetoric about "weather of mass destruction" (WMD), that he claims will be spawned by alleged secret stores of greenhouse gases, is nothing but an effort "to gin up a sense of urgency to benefit the president's corporate cronies in the non-petroleum energy sector." The U.N. resolution...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Reid to print health bill on back of donor checks

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has seized upon a new strategy for passing the increasingly unpopular health care reform bill, including a public option, according to an unnamed source close to Reid. Pundits and politicians have speculated that Reid would seek to pass "empty shell" legislation to dodge a filibuster, and then amend the "vapor bill" to include the public option health insurance plan, because amendment approval needs only a simple majority. However, the anonymous source said today that Reid actually plans to print 100 campaign contribution checks, $250,000 for each senator, with the Democrat health...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama to lobby academy for Michael Moore Oscar

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Just days after his personal pitch failed to secure the 2016 Olympic Games for Chicago, President Obama will reportedly "get right back up on that horse" and personally lobby the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in an effort to get an Oscar for Michael Moore's last film. Moore's documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story," chronicles the adventures of the multimillionaire director as he seeks to prove that the system that made him rich and famous is immoral, and a failure. The president, the first lady, Oprah Winfrey and the entire cast of the Broadway musical "Mamma Mia!" will fly to Los Angeles aboard passenger jets with the...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Deal lets U.N. inspect Iran Nukes, Tehran hosts 2016 Olympics

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Unconfirmed reports out of Geneva late yesterday indicate the Obama administration's tough talk strategy had pushed Iran to open its newest nuclear-fuel plant to international inspectors, in exchange for the right to host the 2016 Olympics -- a privilege Obama had hoped to secure for Chicago. "President Obama had an ace up his sleeve," according to an unnamed State Department official familiar with the negotiations. "He made a big show of flying to Copenhagen with the First Lady, in separate jets with Oprah, to give the impression that nothing was more important to him right now than getting the Games for his hometown." The source...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: U.S. mulls 'sanction fence' for Iran

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Obama, faced with the nearly impossible task of enforcing sanctions against Iran to curb its nuclear ambitions, will reportedly propose construction of a 'sanction fence' -- a 20-foot high chain-link barrier topped with coils of razor wire -- to completely surround the Islamic Republic. Iran borders the Caspian Sea, Persian Gulf and Gulf of Oman, as well as Iraq, Turkey, Azerbaijan, Turkmenistan, Afghanistan and Pakistan, providing innumerable trade routes for clandestine shipments that would violate any internationally-imposed restrictions. "A physical barrier is Obama's only option," according to a White House insider who...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: U.N. passes resolution to change human nature

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Following President Obama's visionary speech to the United Nations Tuesday, the U.N. Security Council today passed a resolution altering human nature to comport with "Obama's hope-saturated view of our global future." The measure comes a day after the council adopted a resolution aimed at "ridding the world of nuclear armaments, and replacing such weapons of mass destruction with fuzzy bunnies, warm chocolate and purple petunias." The Obama administration worked diligently through the night to secure the support of Russia and China for the series of resolutions -- a task complicated by the fact that the two...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama to announce unilateral cuts in security leaks

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. In a goodwill gesture before he addresses the U.N. Security Council and the Group of 20 economic summit this week, President Obama will soon announce that the United States will make deep, unilateral reductions in leaks of classified documents, according to unnamed officials who spoke on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to disclose the move. The revelation comes during a week when The Washington Post published details of a secret document on troop levels in Afghanistan, and unnamed "European officials" told the U.K. Guardian that Obama plans to radically reduce U.S. nuclear strength with the goal of...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: ACORN CEO orders review of brothel consulting division

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. After a series of hidden-camera videos showed employees of the community organizing group known as the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now in several cities offering advice on how to dodge tax laws to set up a brothel, ACORN's chief executive officer said the organization would conduct a top-to-bottom review of its Brothel Consulting Services Division. "Obviously, there's been a breach of protocol here," ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis said. "We do not approve of ACORN offices being used for the production of films starring pimps and prostitutes. We are not a film company, and the taxpayer money that funds our operations...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama pushes new finance regs: Straw Men hardest hit

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. In the wake of President Obama's speech Monday marking the first anniversary of the Lehman Brothers collapse, experts said the president's push to institute a raft of new financial industry regulations would likely hit Straw Men hardest. The Straw Men, a shadowy group of anonymous persons who reportedly believe all government regulation is evil, any regulation at all restricts choice by consumers and the current crisis calls for a return to reckless behavior, are also frequently known as "some who say" or "those who believe." "No matter what the topic, Obama goes after us," said an unnamed spokesman for...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: 'Public Option' government would cut costs, improve service

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. White House sources said today that President Obama may soon propose legislation that would save Americans billions of dollars each year while improving service by creating a 'public option' version of the federal government. The new entity would introduce 'choice and competition' to the lethargic big-government market, currently dominated in many areas of the country by a single player. "The executives who work in the U.S. government now have no incentive to trim expenses, or to serve the needs of average Americans," said an unnamed White House source. "That's because they have no competition. Costs skyrocket. People get...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama Googles 'Van Jones,' 'public option,' learns both are socialist

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Just a day after White House "green jobs czar" Van Jones resigned amid controversy over his radical views, the Obama administration said it had discovered a new vetting tool called "Google" that also revealed that the president's "public option" health insurance proposal may be socialist as well. "You just type a few words into this rectangle," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "Click a button and information suddenly appears on your computer screen. When we did that, we were shocked to learn that Van was a socialist, and that the keystone of the president's health reform plan probably is too." The president will...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama will urge kids to go to private school

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. A draft copy of President Barack Obama's planned September 8 address to America's public school children, tells students that "If you want to grow up to be like me, you should beg your parents to put you in private school, right now." Although Obama attended public school in Indonesia early in life, he soon switched to a private Catholic school, and from fifth grade through graduation went to a private college-prep school in Hawaii. His own daughters now attend a private school in Washington D.C.. "Do you think you're going to get into Harvard University with your one-size-fits-all public school diploma?" the president will reportedly...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Pelosi slams Sept. 8 'AstroTurf' gathering in D.C.

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., today warned Americans that an upcoming health care reform gathering in Washington, D.C., would be comprised of "nothing but bought-and-paid-for minions of dozens of special interest groups ranging from Big Pharmaceutical to the trial lawyers. They are not who they'll appear to be." "This is AstroTurf on steroids," Rep. Pelosi said. "You'll see them in Brooks Brothers suits, cloaked in fake outrage, acting as if they're speaking on behalf of average Americans. But behind the scenes, the nation's best-funded lobbying groups are pulling all the strings." The gathering, set to start Sept. 8 on...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Senate Dems to honor Kennedy by each insuring a poor family

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. As a tribute to the late Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, whose year-long battle with brain cancer ended Tuesday, Senate Democrats have announced that each of them will purchase a health insurance policy to cover a poor family for the rest of their lives. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said his colleagues would also encourage every American Democrat who earns more than $100,000 per year to do the same. Reid has invited Republicans to emulate the move, and he speculated that "they'll probably cover two families each just to flaunt their wealth." The gesture comports with Kennedy's lifelong ambition to get health care for every American, as...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Couric to lead Obama's new elite interrogation unit

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. A new "elite interrogation unit", that President Barack Obama has appointed to quiz terrorism detainees, will apparently be run by CBS News anchor Katie Couric, rather than the Central Intelligence Agency. If the report from anonymous sources proves accurate, the former NBC "Today" hostess, would head up the High-Value Detainee Interrogation Group, or HIG, under the president's National Security Council. Detainee-questioning sessions would be filmed before a live studio audience in Burbank, California. "The president wants to ensure that these folks receive all the protections the U.S. Constitution affords other citizens," said White...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Clunker program spent, dealers to get government cheese

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Uncle Sam's Cash-for-Clunkers program has already spent its allotted $3 billion, making it by government standards an instant success, and forcing Democrats look for alternative ways to compensate auto retailers for the deeply-discounted deals they've made on some 457,000 vehicles. Many car dealers have yet to receive a nickel from the federal government after waving goodbye to dozens of customers who drove off of their lots in new cars marked down by up to $4,500. However, President Barack Obama today told dealers not to "worry about reimbursement because if cash runs out, we have warehouses across the land stacked high with...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama plan creates 'Public Option' malpractice law firm

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. With multimillion-dollar jury awards in medical malpractice suits driving up the cost of liability insurance for physicians -- and thus the cost of health care to consumers -- President Barack Obama today backed a health care malpractice reform plan that would create a "public option" law firm to sue doctors for "reasonable" damages. "We need to keep these ambulance-chasers honest," Obama said. "These sharks are becoming obscenely wealthy by tugging the heartstrings of compassionate jurors, who then grant ridiculous damage awards for pain and suffering, which makes malpractice insurance rates skyrocket...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Cheney memoir to reveal his White House hijinks

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. According to the publisher of Dick Cheney's forthcoming memoir, the former vice president will break his silence and "spill the beans about his hijinks, horseplay and late-night pranks" during eight years in the Bush administration. "The statute of limitations has expired," Cheney, 68, has reportedly told associates. "Now the world can meet the man behind the stoic mask -- a fun-loving, merry prankster with a twinkle in his eye and a trick up his sleeve." While Cheney plans to keep details "hush-hush like Halliburton" until the spring 2011 release of the memoir, rumors have emerged from Cheney...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: PETA protests disrupt Cash for Clunkers deals

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Just days after Congress replenished the federal 'cash for clunkers' program with another $2 billion in taxpayer funding, several car dealers around the nation reported that protesters from PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles -- have attacked and disrupted their attempts to close sales under the program. PETA activists reportedly expressed their alarm at "the wanton destruction of the defenseless" by showing up at dealerships clothed in little more than bumper stickers and fuzzy dice, and by calling for a presidential pardon for some 750,000 operational vehicles that already face "annihilation by...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Local man inks deal with drug maker to lead angry mobs

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. With the explosive growth of the 'angry mob' industry sparked by Democrat attempts to pass government-run health care legislation, a local man has just inked a deal with a major pharmaceutical company including a payday said to approach seven figures. David Sassman, 67, of suburban Arlington, is "a man at the peak of his game" according to the July issue of 'Disorderly Conservative' magazine. "When it comes to composing and leading chants, designing signs and orchestrating protests at Democrat townhall meetings that appear spontaneous, Sassman stands head and shoulders above the hundreds of other professionals in the...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama marks birthday with Kenya statehood declaration

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Barack Obama today celebrated his 48th birthday with a retroactive declaration of statehood for Kenya, his father's homeland and the nation where some skeptics say he was born on August 4, 1961. Conspiracy theorists, collectively called 'birthers' by those who trust the president's version of events, say Obama has refused to release his official birth certificate, so no one can be sure that he's a 'natural born' U.S. citizen, or even that he's at least 35 years old and, therefore, Constitutionally qualified for the office. By declaring Kenya a U.S. state retroactive to July 1961, the president said he hoped to "put an end...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Health plan on ice, Obama pushes grocery reform

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. His health care plan at least temporarily stymied in Congress, President Obama announced today that he would mount a 27-city tour to promote his new nutrition reform program, dubbed America's Affordable Grocery Choices Act. With the cost of grocery items skyrocketing, experts say that about 330 million Americans suffer periodic bouts of hunger. Children and the elderly often go for hours between meals. "America's grocery system is broken," said President Obama, "and the time for reform is now. We can't kick the can down the road, or play political games any longer." The White House said the president's plan will...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Bernanke re-branding Fed as transparent, friendly

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. With 250 House members signing on to Rep. Ron Paul's bill calling for greater congressional oversight of the Federal Reserve, its usually reclusive chairman, Ben Bernanke, has taken to the airwaves to "re-brand" the central bank with appearances on 60 Minutes, PBS and elsewhere in the past week. "Just because we meet in private to manipulate interest rates and the money supply, and to decide which corporations will get taxpayer bailout dollars, doesn't mean the Fed is some kind of covert agency, unaccountable to the public, that controls the global economy like a marionette," said Bernanke, addressing a townhall-style...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Obama uses Prof. Gates arrest to push Sotomayor confirmation

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. After accusing Cambridge, Massachusetts, police of acting "stupidly" in the disorderly conduct arrest of his friend, Harvard Professor Henry Gates, President Obama today said the incident highlights the urgency of confirming Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court before the Senate's August recess. "This situation affirms Judge Sotomayor's Latina wisdom in the Ricci v. Destephano case," said the president, referring to her appeals court ruling against firefighters whose successful promotion exam performance was invalidated because no black firefighters passed the test. "If a black officer had confronted Skip...

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Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: Government plan offers equal shares of meds without 'diagnosis bias'

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius today promised that the government health care plan under consideration now in Congress will put an end to what she called "diagnosis discrimination" -- the practice of doling out medicine based on a physician's opinion about a medical condition. "Under the president's health plan, meds will get distributed equally regardless of ability to pay, or diagnosis," said Ms. Sebelius. "The system we inherited that provided the most expensive drugs only to those who had a particular elite set of diseases is a vestige of the days when most health insurance was sold to...

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Scott Ott's Scrappleface: Healthcare bill contains $87 billion for lawmakers' reading disorder

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. A provision of the comprehensive healthcare reform bill now before Congress includes $87 billion to establish a national research facility to study a condition called Lawmaker Reading Disorder (LRD), according to summaries of the bill prepared by professional lobbyists. Experts say symptoms of LRD include a variety of 'avoidance strategies' when confronted with a legal or ethical obligation to read legislation before voting on it. "LRD is poorly understood by medical researchers and the public at large," said one unnamed aide to a leading House Democrat. "That's why we put the research funding in there, so our bosses can...

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After resignation, Palin said to head third party

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has reportedly decided to head up a third political party after she leaves office in August, according to anonymous sources with expertise in speculating on the governor's motivations and state of mind. The third party, tentatively dubbed 'Some Who', would offer a counterpoint to both major parties, and would represent the countless unnamed people that President Barack Obama frequently attacks as opponents of his policies. For example, in this weekend's op-ed column in the Washington Post, the president noted: "There are some who say we must wait to meet our greatest challenges." In early June, the...

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Popularity stimulus bill deems Obama too big to fail

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. As President Barack Obama's disapproval rating for the first time surpassed his approval rating this week, Democrats in Congress introduced a new stimulus measure design to "recapitalize" the president's reputation. Rasmussen Reports show that the spread between Americans who strongly approve and those who strongly disapprove of Mr. Obama has plummeted from a high of +23 in January to a -8 this week. "Clearly the president is too big to fail," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We cannot stand idly by, as his plunging popularity has the potential to set off ripples that could affect members of Congress and even...

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Obama in Russia cuts global warming nuke treaty

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Barack Obama returns from Russia this week with a verbal commitment in hand from President Dmitry Medvedev to slash stockpiles of nuclear weapons as a preemptive strike against one of the top five potential causes of man-made global warming -- unrestrained atomic fission. "Our conflicting notions of national security made previous nuclear arms reductions difficult," said Mr. Obama, standing next to his Russian counterpart at a news conference, "but our shared concern over the threat of global warming has brought us together this week. Dmitry and I both realize that the greatest threat posed by nuclear weapons is...

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Scott Ott on Sanford may ink eHarmony pitch deal

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, whose clandestine trip to Argentina, and revelation of an adulterous affair have sparked Republican colleagues to call for his resignation, may have already found a second career as spokesman for eHarmony.com, the matchmaking site. The governor, who refers to the object of his extramarital affections as his 'soulmate', seems a logical choice for eHarmony. "I have heard their ads on radio for years," Sanford said, during a seven-hour rambling interview with the Associated Press. "When Dr. Neil Clark Warren talked about finding my soulmate, I realized that even though I already had a wife...

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Scrappleface: Sotomayor may sue SCOTUS for overturning New Haven ruling

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Judge Sonia Sotomayor, announced today she may sue her potential future colleagues for racial bias over yesterday's 5-4 ruling that overturned her own decision in the New Haven fire fighters discrimination lawsuit. The Supreme Court ruled in Ricci v. DeStefano Monday that an employer could not throw out the results of a promotion exam simply for fear of a lawsuit from racial minorities who fared poorly on the test. Sotomayor accused the high court's "Constitutional literalists" of bias and an "abject lack of wisdom" in tossing out the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals' prior...

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Scott Ott's Scrappleface: EPA to monitor eBay sales of personal carbon emissions

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. A little-noticed provision of President Obama's cap-and-trade plan to regulate greenhouse gases authorizes the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to monitor the sale of personal carbon dioxide offsets on eBay and Craigslist. Carbon dioxide, a toxic gas exhaled by every American citizen as well as by domesticated and wild animals, recently came under the regulatory umbrella of the EPA, then moved to the head of the list of clear and present dangers to life on earth. "Just as corporate carbon offsets penalize companies that manufacture things that experts say most Americans could live without," an unnamed EPA source said,...

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Obama says signing bills fast makes government ‘more transcendent’

Clarifying his campaign promise to post all legislative bills online for five days before he signs them, President Barack Obama today said that his failure to so in the first six months of office reflects his commitment to make government “more transcendent.” “Any politician can call for transparency in government,” the president told a crowd of supporters in the White House press briefing room. “Making legislation transcendent means lifting it above and beyond the ordinary range of human comprehension. People don’t necessarily want to read, or understand every law. They want to experience mystery and the majesty that comes through...

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Divided GOP turns to Anacostia man as chief spokesman

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. With Ronald Reagan dead these five years, a divided Republican Party, lost in the wilderness and seeking a unifying voice, has apparently turned to a local man to cast a vision for a bold, successful electoral future. Samir "Jeff" Abdullah-Gomez, a resident of the 1600 block of U Street SE, in the Anacostia section of D.C., said he had no previous interest in politics until Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele "showed up on my front porch asking me to be the voice of the Republican Party." "I'm only lightly-employed at the moment, so the timing worked out well," said Abdullah-Gomez, who...

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Obama Cairo speech settles Muslim-Jewish feud

News fairly unbiased. We report. You decipher. U.S. President Barack 'Hussein' Obama's historic speech in Cairo, Egypt, Thursday appears to have cleared up what Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak now calls "the big Middle East mix up and this silly old religious feud." "Sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes to a look at a problem," said the Israeli leader, as he walked through the Gaza Strip on his way to the new Palestinian homeland for an informal brunch with leaders of Hamas and Fatah. "President Obama was right. We all want the same things. We all have common values. We all worship the same God. I feel like such a knucklehead that I didn't figure this...

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Americans want 60 percent of Toyota, not GM

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. As the U.S. government escorted General Motors into bankruptcy court Monday with a deal giving taxpayers 60 percent of GM stock, a new survey reveals that most Americans would rather own a majority equity stake in Toyota. According to a new Gallup poll, 87 percent believe Toyota's stock to be a better deal than GM's, due to the superior safety features, reliability and even the design of the Japanese equities. A White House spokesman said, however, that the President Barack Obama has taken the AFL-CIO pledge to "Buy American" as the federal government takes over automakers, financial firms and other companies along a broad...

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Obama claims right to yank Sotomayor post-confirmation

News fairly unbalanced. We report . You decipher. As concerns grow that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor may not be a reliable pro-choice vote on the high court, President Barack Obama today attempted to calm fears of abortion rights advocates. The president, who as a state senator opposed the Born Alive Infant Protection Act that mandates medical care for a living baby after a botched abortion attempt, said that even if Judge Sotomayor makes it through the confirmation process, her judicial career could still end suddenly. "It's the job of the Senate Judiciary Committee to protect our Constitutional limits on 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' to ensure that...

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LEAK! Pelosi China speech to dodge human rights

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, in China this week to advance Sino-American cooperation on developing "clean energy" will comply with President Barack Obama's pragmatic approach, and overlook China's human rights violations and its suppression of Tibet. Despite Pelosi's past vocal criticism of China's appalling treatment of dissenters, she'll reportedly focus solely on issues related to greenhouse gases, assiduously avoiding what Beijing and Washington call "counterproductive talk of human rights." Below are excerpts of Pelosi's planned remarks to the American Chamber of Commerce in Beijing today, just days before...

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Obama declares Gitmo detainees to be 'fetuses'

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher In an effort to shut down the U.S. Naval Detention Center at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, thereby restoring America's moral standing in the world, President Barack Obama today declared some 240 enemy combatants held at Gitmo to be 'human fetuses'. In an executive order, the president said, "Since I ordered Gitmo shut down, and people don't want us to bring the inmates here, the only way to extract them from the facility is to change their legal status to one that offers us more choices." While accused terrorists have access to attorneys, and nearly-limitless legal appeals, a fetus has no legal standing, cannot speak for itself, and is...

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GM says no problem for new drone in meeting emissions, fuel standards

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher General Motors, part of the automaking division of the U.S. government, today announced it would have no problem meeting or surpassing the Obama administration's stricter emissions and mileage standards, thanks to a new gas-stingy model for 2010 called the GM Drone UTV. The new rules, designed to bring the United States into compliance with planet-friendly standards in neighboring California, will make American cars 30 percent cleaner, more fuel efficient and less ubiquitous by the year 2016. An unnamed General Motors spokesman said the greenhouse-gas curbing regulations come just as GM ramps up production of the Drone -- a stylish,...

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General Mills to offer prescription-strength Cheerios

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. After the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced that health information on the box could cause Cheerios to be regulated as a drug, General Mills said it would soon offer a prescription-strength version of the oat-based breakfast favorite. "For most patients, over-the-counter Cheerios provides plenty of cholesterol-busting power," said an unnamed General Mills spokesman. "However, those with advanced heart disease should consider prescription-strength Cheerios, which we'll market under the brand name 'Cheeriox'." "Of course, as with any medication, you should ask your doctor if Cheeriox is right for...

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Obama antitrust crackdown to nail DNC, big unions

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. Officials with the Obama Justice Department's antitrust division announced this week an aggressive enforcement policy against giant firms that elbow out competitors, with the first targets to include the Democrat National Committee (DNC) and the nation's major labor unions. "The DNC and Big Labor are typical monopolies," said Christine A. Varney, head of the antitrust division at Justice. "The DNC controls at least two out three branches of government, and it recently raided a weaker competitor to steal a U.S. senator and thus to get a filibuster-proof monopoly." Gaining control of a market breaks no law. However, if a...

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Obama college bailout adds Big Learning to rescue list

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. As details of President Barack Obama's plan to transform higher education emerged today, it quickly became clear that the president intends to rescue 'Big Learning' in a fashion reminiscent of his salvation of Big Auto and of Wall Street. In addition to turning Pell Grants into an entitlement program, the president reportedly intends to inject additional billions of dollars in stimulus and bailout funds into an industry "on the verge of a declining rate of increase in annual profits." Many schools have struggled to survive on meager double-digit tuition hikes, mere seven- or eight-figure endowment funds and capital campaigns...

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Reid sends Specter to Democrat farm team

News Fairly Unbalance. We Report. You Decipher. Just days after Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid broke his promise to newly-Democrat Sen. Arlen Specter, stripping the Pennsylvania lawmaker of his rank on five committees, Reid announced today that he would send Specter to one of the party's minor league franchises. "He's got to earn a spot on the team in the big league," said Reid. "Arlen's got talent, but it wouldn't be fair to our starters to bump one of them before he's proven his ability to play our game." A spokesman for Specter said the former Republican "has spent 29 years in the Senate working to get his big break", and he challenged Reid to...

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Examiner Scrappleface: Steele says GOP re-branding won't involve hot iron

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. In an effort to calm the fears of moderates who feel their party has been taken over by dogmatic conservatives, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele today said the recently-announced re-branding of the party "will not involve hot iron." "These days branding is more of a marketing term," said Steele. "It's about persuading the public that we Republicans really believe in limited government, lower taxes, individual liberty and personal responsibility, regardless of our actual behavior in office." The party chairman explained that the RNC has to "deal with the practical realities of...

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Flu strain amok, Obama warns against anti-swine bias

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. With the federal government on full alert over the potential swine-flu pandemic, President Barack Obama said today that "Americans should not take this crisis as an opportunity to justify anti-swine attitudes or outright porcine abuse." "The vast majority of hogs are peace-loving, productive members of society," the president said. "The biggest threat to the United States at this point is not that we might be overrun by a swine-based virus that indiscriminately murders its victims, but rather that we would allow a few diseased pigs to poison our hearts against the rest." The president has ordered...

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Scrappleface: Obama Orders CIA to Use Hindsight First

News Fairly Unbalance. We Report. You Decipher. President Barack Obama today continued his effort to repair the image of the U.S. in the wake of his release of the “torture memos,” by ordering the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) to "start using hindsight first, instead of as a last resort." Although aggressive interrogation techniques on three terrorists produced intel that likely prevented major attacks on American cities, most experts agree that there's no way to know whether less vigorous methods might have produced the same results. "In hindsight," the president said, "it might have been better to gain the trust of men like Khalid Sheik...

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Scrappleface: Murtha Earmarks $3B for Johnstown Deep-Water Port

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher. Just a day after the Washington Post reported Rep. John Murtha had secured more than $200 million in federal funding in the past decade for his eponymous airport in Johnstown, Pa., the influential Democrat announced he had earmarked $3 billion in the 2010 federal budget for a deep-water port in his home district. The John P. Murtha Johnstown-Cambria County Airport, which has a state of the art radar system, control tower, and mechanical baggage carousel in a clean, modern terminal, is so well run that it sometimes has a staff-to-passenger ratio of 2-to-1, and U.S. taxpayers pay only $147 in subsidy for each passenger who passes through...

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Scappleface: DHS to release left-wing group report via Twitter

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher After the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) sparked a firestorm of protest from right-wing extremists over a nine-page report on the "resurgence in radicalization and recruitment" among right-wing extremist groups, DHS chief Janet Napolitano announced today that her department would soon release a similar report on leftist groups via Twitter. The 'Rightwing Extremism' report warned that the current economic crisis, and the election of a black president, could inspire returning war veterans and others to join violent groups plotting against their own nation. Twitter, a social networking site, allows users to post...

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Obama requires tea party protests to use government-funded leaf

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Department of Agriculture officials today announced a previously-unnoticed provision of President Obama's stimulus package that provides billions of dollars to corporations that sold tea for thousands of nationwide 'Tea Parties' this week. Modeled after the historic Boston Tea Party, the 1773 colonial American rebellion against the King's taxation without representation, the gatherings protest out-of-control federal spending, public-sector control of private enterprise, and what many see as a lurch toward socialism at all levels of government. President Obama, who swept to power riding a populist wave, "wants to show the American...

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Piracy spurs Obama calls for cargo-ship reductions

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. The rash of piracy incidents off the coast of Africa in recent years has spurred the Obama administration to reach out to the other G-20 nations to build consensus around a "gradual drawdown of cargo vessels in global sea lanes." Although administration officials have been working behind the scenes on a multilateral cargo-ship reduction treaty, the White House decided to go public with the plan after this week's pirate attack on the U.S.-flagged Maersk Alabama. "The United States is the number-one consumer and producer of cargo-shipped goods," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "so it only makes...

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New York massacre pushes Obama to close gun-free zones

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher In the wake of a mass shooting which killed 13 people in Binghamton, New York, this week, the Obama administration said it would "move with all haste to close a loophole which gives crazed gunmen unfettered access that frequently leads to such shocking casualties." "The president has said he agrees with the Supreme Court's DC v. Heller decision affirming the 2nd amendment as an individual right to keep and bear arms," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "but he has also said reasonable gun laws are appropriate. Given the fact that every multiple-victim shooting with more than three fatalities has...

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U.S. to pump in cash, if Fiat buys out IMF

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher A day after the heads of the 20 leading industrialized nations agreed to pump $1 trillion into the International Monetary Fund (IMF) to stimulate worldwide recovery, the White House revealed that President Barack Obama consented to the G-20 stimulus deal on the condition that the IMF be sold to Fiat, the Italian automaker, by the end of the month. Just last week, the administration ordered Fiat to buy Chrysler, making the IMF the second failed enterprise this year to be gobbled up by the maker of the economical 3-door Grande Punto. "The IMF is essentially an aggregation of a failed brands," said White House press secretary Robert...

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Obama forces GM chief out, puts Reid, Pelosi on leave

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Just hours after firing General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner for mismanaging the giant firm which has thus far received $26 billion in taxpayer cash to stay afloat, President Barack Obama announced that Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi have been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation into similar allegations. "We cannot give the appearance of using tax dollars to reward leaders who have done a poor job," said Obama. "The message is clear. If you take billions from the taxpayers you answer to a new boss -- the chief executive. In November, I inherited a failed banking system, a failed...

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Lights out, clocks spring forward for Earth Hour

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Actor Ed Norton, the Earth Hour 2009 U.S. Ambassador, today announced that, in addition to ordering all citizens and businesses to extinguish lights at 8:30 Saturday night, he has also signed an "ambassador order" calling for all clocks to move ahead one hour each night for the rest of the Obama administration. "Each time we spring ahead an hour, we bypass 60 minutes during which vast quantities of carbon would have been belched into the atmosphere by coal-fired plants," said Norton. "Under this plan, the Earth will be spared from more than 2,800 hours worth of carbon emissions during President Obama's first two...

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Geithner's 'Legacy Assets Roadshow' Comes to PBS

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner today announced a public-public partnership with PBS to produce and host a program tentatively dubbed 'Legacy Assets Roadshow', with a format reminiscent of the network's popular 'Antiques Roadshow.' Part adventure, part history lesson, and part treasure hunt, the Legacy Assets Roadshow hopes to "tap the viewer's ongoing curiosity about whether that dusty old thing that looks virtually worthless might turn out to be a precious keepsake worth big bucks." Geithner plans to travel to locations around the nation inviting bankers and other financial firm executives to bring in mortgages,...

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Arlen Specter to cross aisle for 2010 Senate run

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter, who last month almost single-handedly passed President Barack Obama's $819 billion stimulus package, today confirmed rumors that he would switch party affiliation for his 2010 reelection bid. "I plan to run as a Republican," said Specter. "I know this switch will upset the balance of power in the Senate, but my conscience compels me." An unnamed spokesman for the Democrat Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) said the move "throws the whole race into a chaotic state" as the Democratic party now faces the daunting challenge of finding a candidate to attack Specter from the...

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Barney Frank bill would revoke bailouts, reward competence

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Just a day after Rep. Barney Frank excoriated federal bailout recipient AIG for "rewarding incompetence" by paying out $165 million in bonuses to its executives in a year when the insurance giant nearly collapsed, the Massachusetts Democrat introduced a bill rescinding all bailouts for failing firms or for homeowners in foreclosure. "When I said AIG bonuses reward incompetence, it suddenly occurred to me that these bailouts do the same thing," said Rep. Frank. "Instead of giving hundreds of billions to the likes of AIG and to people who bought too much house, we're going to invest in companies and individuals...

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Geithner boosts NASA funds to probe cosmos for bail-out cash

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Just a day after U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner proposed increasing U.S. contributions to his former employer, the International Monetary Fund (IMF) by $100 billion, he offered another plan to increase funding for NASA space probes to search for life, and sources of bail-out cash, on other planets. "Let's face it," said an unnamed Treasury source, "Earth is too big to fail. We can all boost funding to the IMF, but at some point that's like scooping water out of a bucket to fill the same bucket. The fundamental problem is that Earth is a closed economic system. To rescue the global economy we need help that's...

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Embryonic stem cell study promises cure for global warming

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Hailing a new era "when science is restored to the proper side of the political aisle," President Barack Obama on Monday promised miraculous cures for a wide range of ailments when he signed an executive order expanding the scope of Bush-era federal funding for embryonic stem cell research. As he directed more tax dollars to such studies, the president said stem cells from embryos could be at the forefront of the battle against man-made global warming. "Every human embryo in the hands of a scientist means one less potential source of carbon dioxide emissions," Obama said, "And because stem cell...

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Obama rescue buys new GM car for each new bureaucrat

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher Just a day after a financial audit of General Motors showed "substantial doubt" that the automaker could stay afloat, the Obama administration announced a new rescue plan designed to "restore GM to its rightful status as the global symbol of labor union innovation and productivity." "Only one thing is lacking to get Detroit's assembly lines going again," said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, "All GM really needs is someone to buy hundreds of thousands of new vehicles at non-competitive prices. And frankly, that's what government does best." Under the terms of the rescue plan negotiated by the...

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Bail out working, AIG soon won't be too big to fail

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher The Treasury Department announced today that the bail out of AIG Insurance, which began in September under the Bush administration, is working better than expected. Encouraged by the company's loss of nearly $62 billion in the 4th quarter of 2008, the Obama administration injected another $30 billion into AIG this week. "The government stepped in last year with $150 billion because AIG was too big to fail," said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. "The stock was trading in early September at more than $20 per share. Today it's worth less than 50 cents a share. If we keep pumping billions of tax dollars into it, I'd say...

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Justice Department to force criminals to register illegal guns

Scrappleface: News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher In an effort to reduce gun violence nationwide, Attorney General Eric Holder said today that the Obama administration will reinstate the Clinton-era assault weapons ban that expired in 2004, adding new provisions to make it even more effective at saving lives. Under the revised rules, people who intend to commit crimes with stolen guns, for example, will first need to register those weapons with the federal government. "Guns don't kill people," said Mr. Holder, "Unregistered, stolen guns kill people. Once we have a list of all of the guns owned by potential criminals, it will be much easier to track down the...

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EPA Proposes Odd-Even Carbon Dioxide Emission Rationing

Scrappleface: News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher. Officials at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), intent on limiting human carbon dioxide emissions, this week revived an idea from the 1979 energy crisis to cut the most reliable sources of atmospheric CO2 by up to 50 percent. Carbon dioxide, largely responsible for the decade-long cooling trend caused by global warming, flows as a toxic waste product from humans and many other animals, as well as from tilled soiled, energy production, motorized transportation and human manufacturing processes, all of which pose an imminent threat to life on earth. Under the new EPA Odd-Even Carbon Dioxide Rationing System (OECDRS)...

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Scrappleface: Geithner to Unveil Troubled-Assets Lotto Game

As part of the Obama administration's upbeat attitude toward the current economic challenges, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner will reportedly announce this week a "creative, positive approach" to disposing of billions of dollars in troubled assets, typically securities backed by mortgages on houses that have declined in value. According to a Treasury source who requested anonymity to avoid accountability for his remarks, Geithner plans to introduce a new national game of chance called Troubled-Assets Lotto, with jackpots payable in mortgage-backed securities which the government has purchased from nearly-insolvent banks. While skeptics doubt whether people will risk their...

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