Big News! Look what I found in a plain manila envelope buried in a pumpkin patch in Carroll County, Maryland, last week:
To: V. Putin
From: "Special Team USA"
Date: November 9, 2016
Mr. President –
Well, we did it. Against all odds, we pulled out all the stops and ended the Clinton dynasty.
Your plan worked to perfection – so well in fact that we believe at some point in the next year, the Democrats will blame the Republicans for being in cahoots with us. I'm not kidding. Our agents report that the Democrats are in such a state of denial that they have no idea about our deep infiltration into the Democratic National Committee and Clinton Campaign.
Please allow us to brag a bit about our successful operation.
First, we could not have pulled this off without our agents convincing the Secretary of State that she needed to set up an offline email operation – complete with an independent server. We at first thought it to be too outlandish an idea, but she bought it hook, line and sinker. Talk about buying in; she had thought of it before we even brought it up. She even came up with the idea to hide the server at her Chappaqua, N.Y., home.
It was all downhill from there. Our agents then leaked the arrangement to the media – and just sat back and watched her offer up one phony explanation after another until even she got confused from telling so many versions. After a while, even CNN stopped believing her!
Special commendation to our Wikileaks Liaison Section, who found and leaked John Podesta's emails showing his frustration with Hillary's email shenanigans. By the way, this group also spilled the beans on how Clinton's iPhone was sledgehammered into a million pieces – a stunt right out of the KGB playbook!
Truth be told, even our Wikileaks operatives efforts paled in comparison to the excellence of our new "Millennial Group." Recall they are the twenty-somethings who got themselves hired in the campaign's Analytics Department. Then they convinced the Clinton Campaign that it need not campaign in the upper Midwest, i.e., the so-called impregnable "Blue Wall."
Note that these college kids pressed the case against the strong opposition of former President Clinton (who proved to be a constant thorn in their side). He knew the economic angst in the heartland and never missed an opportunity to alert his wife's campaign to the facts. Alas, our fake models of a huge millennial/minority turnout played precisely into the mindset of the Democratic establishment. Our agents even had them "expanding the map" just a week out from election day.
Special kudos to our network of campus agents. These young comrades have worked tirelessly to turn American colleges and universities into little laboratories of progressive thought - so far left that even Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren were seen as serious alternatives to Mrs. Clinton. Fortunately, the Sanders and Warren threat turned Clinton further left. Long gone was the moderate of 2008. Happily, her new strategy adopted every plank in the progressive playbook – so far outside the mainstream that we could predict with certainty that places like Pittsburgh and western Pennsylvania would move deep red—and boy did they! Clinton was crushed in white working class neighborhoods all across the rustbelt.
Parenthetically, our campaign to turn college millennials against capitalism, free speech, Fox News, and their parents' values is meeting with spectacular success – although I must admit it is a bit like taking candy from a baby, so to speak. Progressive wing nut college administrators are always the first to jump on any anti-American (or Israeli) bandwagon we start. Their brethren in the faculty gleefully pile on. Incredibly, some universities are hiring "sensitivity police" to monitor "micro-aggressions" committed by bourgeois Republicans against our uber-sensitive young snowflakes. Who said "participation trophies" don't work?! And more good news: our field agents report that soon we will (finally) reach our goal of eliminating American History and basic economics from core requirements at America's colleges and universities.
Finally, a huge shout out to our "Identity Politics" group. As you know, these agents have so infiltrated the Democratic Party's grassroots that periodic calls for moderation from the party's few moderates are like trees falling in the forest – nobody hears them. We can only marvel at their success. They have taken a party once identified with America's melting-pot-believing working class and turned it into a loose confederation of self-styled victims and culture warriors. Just think – this group was able to get a United States Senator and presidential candidate who once opposed special drivers licenses for illegal aliens to openly support sanctuary cities – you know – those cities and towns that proudly oppose federal law enforcement – even when dangerous felons are on the loose. That, my dear President, is what we call serious growth!
Hopefully, all of our Washington, D.C. agents will be able to keep a straight face as the "investigation" into the Trump-Russia connection continues. Ha! If they only knew.
Gov. Robert Ehrlich is a Washington Examiner columnist, partner at King & Spalding and author of three books, including the recently released Turning Point. He was governor of Maryland from 2003 - 2007.