Scott Ott's Scrappleface: Healthcare bill contains $87 billion for lawmakers' reading disorder
By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
July 17, 2009
News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.
A provision of the comprehensive healthcare reform bill now before Congress includes $87 billion to establish a national research facility to study a condition called Lawmaker Reading Disorder (LRD), according to summaries of the bill prepared by professional lobbyists.
Experts say symptoms of LRD include a variety of 'avoidance strategies' when confronted with a legal or ethical obligation to read legislation before voting on it.
"LRD is poorly understood by medical researchers and the public at large," said one unnamed aide to a leading House Democrat. "That's why we put the research funding in there, so our bosses can get the help they so desperately need. Our lobbyists tell me there's promising work with stem cells that offers the potential for a cure. I figure if Christopher Reeve can walk some day, then there's still hope that a congressman might eventually read legislation."
One senator, who requested anonymity to maintain incumbency, spoke frankly about his decades-long struggle with LRD.
"I know I have a problem," he said, "At our LRDA meetings, they tell me that's the first of the 12 steps toward recovery. But there's just something about a 1,300-page bill that screams 'Don't read me!' And yet, how can I in good conscience affix my name and reputation to something that, for all I know, might include massive tax increases on the most productive members of society...a virtual death-sentence to economic recovery?"
Reporters' calls to interview other members of Congress about the LRD research-funding provision went unreturned, pending congressional approval of the legislation.
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site.
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