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Scott Ott's Scrappleface: Healthcare bill contains $87 billion for lawmakers' reading disorder

By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
July 17, 2009

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.

A provision of the comprehensive healthcare reform bill now before Congress includes $87 billion to establish a national research facility to study a condition called Lawmaker Reading Disorder (LRD), according to summaries of the bill prepared by professional lobbyists.

Experts say symptoms of LRD include a variety of 'avoidance strategies' when confronted with a legal or ethical obligation to read legislation before voting on it.

"LRD is poorly understood by medical researchers and the public at large," said one unnamed aide to a leading House Democrat. "That's why we put the research funding in there, so our bosses can get the help they so desperately need. Our lobbyists tell me there's promising work with stem cells that offers the potential for a cure. I figure if Christopher Reeve can walk some day, then there's still hope that a congressman might eventually read legislation."

One senator, who requested anonymity to maintain incumbency, spoke frankly about his decades-long struggle with LRD.

"I know I have a problem," he said, "At our LRDA meetings, they tell me that's the first of the 12 steps toward recovery. But there's just something about a 1,300-page bill that screams 'Don't read me!' And yet, how can I in good conscience affix my name and reputation to something that, for all I know, might include massive tax increases on the most productive members of society...a virtual death-sentence to economic recovery?"

Reporters' calls to interview other members of Congress about the LRD research-funding provision went unreturned, pending congressional approval of the legislation.

 

Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site.




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Reader Comments

All comments on this page are subject to our Terms of Use and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Examiner or its staff. Comment box is limited to 250 words.

Bob4096

Jul 17, 2009

It would appear that many voters also suffer from this disorder.

 

HCNative

Jul 17, 2009

I wish! And Bob4096 you are correct when you state that a number of voters suffer from this same disorder -- that is readily apparent by the current administration.

 

Maui Mike

Jul 18, 2009

OMG!! Is this real?? 87 BILLION?? They applied for that job - so it involves some complicated reading - they owe it to their constituents, and to the public that will be affected by their vote - give me a break - 87,000 million dollars?? THEY ARE LAZY!! (and many I would bet can't understand the attorneyspeak and big words in the bills anyway)

 

DrTracy

Jul 21, 2009

I must assume this story is "tongue in cheek", but wouldn't be surprised to find out it is a real malady. Do you know what you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator! Or Congressman! Really, though, all they care about is getting re-elected.

 


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