Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: U.N. passes resolution to change human nature
By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
September 25, 2009
News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.
Following President Obama's visionary speech to the United Nations Tuesday, the U.N. Security Council today passed a resolution altering human nature to comport with "Obama's hope-saturated view of our global future."
The measure comes a day after the council adopted a resolution aimed at "ridding the world of nuclear armaments, and replacing such weapons of mass destruction with fuzzy bunnies, warm chocolate and purple petunias."
The Obama administration worked diligently through the night to secure the support of Russia and China for the series of resolutions -- a task complicated by the fact that the two superpowers are major exporters of nuclear-enrichment gear to totalitarian states, but lack a strong presence in the bunny, chocolate and petunia industries.
Human nature, a perennial obstacle in the implementation of U.N. resolutions, faced inevitable obsolescence in the face of Obama's nuclear disarmament measures, which rely on ill-willed megalomaniacs to put the good of the global community ahead of their own ceaseless thirst for power.
The new U.N.-approved human nature will cause world leaders to set aside their self-interest in order to pursue goals that ultimately reduce their personal influence and subjugate them to the collective will of "the people of the world."
"Without this change," said U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, "the U.N. would be consigned to more decades of hollow words backed by empty promises and futile actions. But thanks to the new human nature, the president has finally fulfilled the promise of the U.N. Charter. Why it took so long for the global community to deal with this obvious challenge, no one knows. But now, tomorrow is a brand new day."
Clinton noted that "once nuclear weapons have been eradicated, the world can go back to the good old days, when conflicts between major nations were settled with bullets, bombs and bloodshed, and we didn't have the constant worry of a nuclear detonation, and the environmental damage it could cause."
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