Scott Ott's Examiner Scrappleface: U.N. retaliates against Nuclear Iran with 'utter neglect'
By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
December 1, 2009
News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.
The U.N. Security Council today retaliated against Iran's newly announced plans to build 10 nuclear enrichment facilities in defiance of previous U.N. resolutions by passing a resolution punishing the Islamic Republic with "utter, devastating neglect from the global community."
"We are sorry it had to come to this," said Secretary-General Ban-Ki Moon after the vote, "but the leaders of Iran must know that there is a limit to the patience of this august body."
Diplomatic efforts and existing sanctions have not only failed to restrain Iran's nuclear ambitions, but have led to ever more bellicose proclamations by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad about his intention to lead his nation to "a new era of energy independence and environmental friendliness" by switching from petroleum to atomic power.
In addition to his plan to add another 50,000 "peaceful uranium centrifuges" to the nation's enrichment arsenal, Ahmadinejad today said he would order assembly of 3,500 long-range missiles -- not to threaten Israel, but to stop climate change by "puncturing the roof of the global greenhouse and allowing the harmful gases to escape."
According to the language of the new resolution, the United Nations will "isolate Iran until she cries out in despair, paints herself with copious layers of black eyeshadow, and seeks solace in music by 'My Chemical Romance.'"
Rather than invoke additional sanctions or blockades, the United Nations will simply ignore Iran, refuse to rebut Ahmadinejad's statements, unfriend him on Facebook, ignore his e-mails, texts and Tweets, and "essentially give him the silent treatment."
Iran's U.N. ambassador, Mohammad Khazaee, stood in protest before the Security Council vote, but Ban-Ki Moon avoided eye contact and said to the council members, "Do you hear anything? I don't hear anything. What was that noise? Was it the sound of a human voice? I don't think so. We have a motion on the floor. All in favor?"
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world's leading family-friendly news satire source.
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