EPA Proposes Odd-Even Carbon Dioxide Emission Rationing

Scrappleface: News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.

Officials at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), intent on limiting human carbon dioxide emissions, this week revived an idea from the 1979 energy crisis to cut the most reliable sources of atmospheric CO2 by up to 50 percent.

Carbon dioxide, largely responsible for the decade-long cooling trend caused by global warming, flows as a toxic waste product from humans and many other animals, as well as from tilled soiled, energy production, motorized transportation and human manufacturing processes, all of which pose an imminent threat to life on earth.

Under the new EPA Odd-Even Carbon Dioxide Rationing System (OECDRS) proposed by the Obama administration, citizens with Social Security numbers ending in odd numerals would be permitted to emit carbon dioxide on odd-numbered days, and the rest on even numbered days. Illegal aliens would follow the same rules using the numerals on their counterfeit Social Security cards.

"If we can get each citizen and virtual citizen to exhale, drive cars, and use electricity, heat, and food only every other day, the impact on Mother Earth would be substantial, to say the least," said an unnamed EPA scientist.

"To the cynics who suggest this policy would result in people being cold, unemployed, hungry, light-headed, unconscious or dead, we remind you that 'the fierce urgency of now' trumps the petty politics of the past, and the collective good must supersede the selfish desires of any one person," she added.

The EPA source noted that the policy will also reduce overcrowding in American cities.

"In the future, the surviving colonies of humans will be free from the threat of wildfires, melting polar ice caps, rising ocean levels and the other terrors of global climate change," she said. "What a wonderful world this would be."