Scott Ott

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Flu strain amok, Obama warns against anti-swine bias

By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
April 28, 2009

News Fairly Unbalanced. We Report. You Decipher.
 
With the federal government on full alert over the potential swine-flu pandemic, President Barack Obama said today that "Americans should not take this crisis as an opportunity to justify anti-swine attitudes or outright porcine abuse."
 
"The vast majority of hogs are peace-loving, productive members of society," the president said. "The biggest threat to the United States at this point is not that we might be overrun by a swine-based virus that indiscriminately murders its victims, but rather that we would allow a few diseased pigs to poison our hearts against the rest."
 
The president has ordered Attorney General Eric Holder to draft Justice Department guidelines labeling violence against domesticated hogs has a "hate crime" punishable by 10-years-to-life in prison, on top of the customary sentence. Mr. Holder has also created a special investigative unit of the FBI to focus on anti-swine crime.
 
The president noted that America has faced great challenges in the past.
 
"This pandemic will be overcome the same way we triumphed over every other threat," Obama said, "through dialogue with our enemies, reasonable restrictions on your Constitutional rights, and higher taxes on those whose unfettered greed has already made them the largest tax payers."
 
Meanwhile, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) today unveiled a public relations plan to educate Americans about the contributions that hogs have made to our society.
 
"While men in general, and members of Congress in particular, have traditionally received credit for bringing home the bacon," according to an unnamed HHS spokesman, "we all know who has made the real sacrifice."
 
Washington Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world's leading family-friendly news satire source.



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All comments on this page are subject to our Terms of Use and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Examiner or its staff. Comment box is limited to 250 words.

olainfree

Apr 28, 2009

At the rate that the Obama administration is either destroying or redistributing wealth with its command economy and the unfettered guidance of Geithner and the Dem-dominated Congress, we are now living Animal Farm. No longer a prophetic novel in which some pigs are more equal than others, the Orwell saga is trumped by the reality show broadcast daily (with or without teleprompter) from the White House.

 

mig

Apr 28, 2009

If we reach out and shake there hands, just like we did with Chavez, we can all rest easy. The swine-flu just needs to know that we mean it no harm.

 

mig

Apr 28, 2009

The swine flu comes from Capitalist pigs, not the sweet wallowing kind. Dam those capitalist. Add another 5% tax to combat the disease they're responsible for!

 

AMI

Apr 28, 2009

I believe President Obama is correct in his take of people possibly hurting our beloved pigs, but I believe we should start looking at americans starting to blame Mexicans (and possibly anyone who looks central american) and increasing bias attacks. Let Punishment fit the crime! Increase the punishment for these possible bias attacks.

 

Kevin

Apr 28, 2009

More on the farm animals of peace.

 

Josh

Apr 28, 2009

So can we now refer to the looming pandemic as Specter Flu?

 

Just Ranting

Apr 28, 2009

The American aristocracy celebrated in their finery in the White House while the peasants outside begged for relief from onerous and punishing taxes. Obama gazed out at the masses and inquired, "What do these peasants cry out for? Why do they disturb our revelry?" The court jester Jermiah Wright revealed, "They cry out for bread for themselves and their children." With a waive of the hand Obama declared, "Let them eat pork!" much to the amusement of Pelosi and Reid.

 

Just Ranting

Apr 28, 2009

The American aristocracy celebrated in their finery in the White House while the peasants outside begged for relief from onerous and punishing taxes. Obama gazed out at the masses and inquired, "What do these peasants cry out for? Why do they disturb our revelry?" The court jester Jermiah Wright revealed, "They cry out for bread for themselves and their children." With a waive of the hand Obama declared, "Let them eat pork!" much to the amusement of Pelosi and Reid.

 

Phyllis

Apr 28, 2009

Are you kidding me!!!!!!

 

R.A.M.

Apr 28, 2009

Why would Holder need to threaten to use "Hate Crimes" against anyone when he KNOWS that Americans won't do anything because of what "cowards" we Americans are? ;-)

 

R.A.M.

Apr 28, 2009

"We have nothing to fear, but Obama himself!" "We have seen the enemy, and he is Obama!" "Ask not, what Obama can do for you, ask what you can do for Obama!"

 

Jesse Raphial

Apr 29, 2009

We never sell swine before its time...

 

Kwame Oh

Apr 30, 2009

A spokes bird from Asia, said "we stand in solidarity with the swine of the Earth, and welcome this brave and bold move by the administration". "never again will we the world stand by and watch the wanton destruction, of a species" said the Animal UN "grin"

 


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