Obama rescue buys new GM car for each new bureaucrat

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Just a day after a financial audit of General Motors showed "substantial doubt" that the automaker could stay afloat, the Obama administration announced a new rescue plan designed to "restore GM to its rightful status as the global symbol of labor union innovation and productivity."

"Only one thing is lacking to get Detroit's assembly lines going again," said Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, "All GM really needs is someone to buy hundreds of thousands of new vehicles at non-competitive prices. And frankly, that's what government does best."

Under the terms of the rescue plan negotiated by the United Auto Workers (UAW) on behalf of the White House, General Motors will ramp up production in all factories to produce a new vehicle for each new federal, state and local government employee hired, or retained, as a result of the president's economic stimulus package.

"The president's plan creates new jobs in government and that trickles down to the private sector," said Mr. Geithner. "This is a great example of the kind of public-private partnership that will lead America into a swirling vortex of ever-intensifying prosperity. GM will be hard pressed to keep up with the demand."

The president will pay for the plan through a 50 percent "luxury tax" on privately-purchased cars that have more than two doors or four cylinders, or that emit carbon monoxide.

"As the old saying goes, what's good for the UAW is good for UAW leaders," Mr. Geithner said. "The only way America can sustain its vibrant capitalist economy is by making the stark choice between risk and reward. Speaking for the president and the Treasury department, we choose reward."

Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site, and anchor of ScrappleFace Network News (SNN), seen on YouTube.