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Piracy spurs Obama calls for cargo-ship reductions

By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
April 10, 2009

News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.

The rash of piracy incidents off the coast of Africa in recent years has spurred the Obama administration to reach out to the other G-20 nations to build consensus around a "gradual drawdown of cargo vessels in global sea lanes."

Although administration officials have been working behind the scenes on a multilateral cargo-ship reduction treaty, the White House decided to go public with the plan after this week's pirate attack on the U.S.-flagged Maersk Alabama.

"The United States is the number-one consumer and producer of cargo-shipped goods," said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "so it only makes sense that, if we're going to stop these attacks, and restore peace to the high seas, then the U.S. should take a prominent, and disproportionately-large role in marine freight-vessel cuts."

"We need to get rid of the old trans-oceanic M.A.D. doctrine of Mutual Assured Delivery," said Gibbs, "and look toward a safer future, where piracy no longer looms over the world as an ever-present threat. As everyone knows, President Obama is a visionary, and he can see the day when we'll have a world without nukes, and a world without cargo ships."

A spokesman for the AFL-CIO, representing the nation's trade unions, immediately hailed the measure saying it would not only reduce piracy, "but also cut U.S. imports of foreign, sweatshop-made goods, and it might even prevent our high-paying jobs from being shipped overseas."

Greenpeace, the Sierra Club and former vice president Al Gore joined the chorus of praise in a joint news release celebrating the reduction in carbon emissions by eliminating fossil-fuel burning vessels, and tanker shipments of petroleum.

"President Obama is once again ahead of the curve," said Gore. "The inconvenient truth of the matter is that in just a few years, there will be no place to dock cargo ships anyway, since the coastal cities and their ports will all be inundated in brine."

Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site, and anchor of ScrappleFace Network News (SNN), seen on YouTube.

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Cap'n Ahab

Apr 10, 2009

Arrr, it's time for an Old Salt treaty.

TGC

Apr 10, 2009

Second story: Obama Proposes Bailouts for Unemployed Dockworkers.

Lighthorseman

Apr 10, 2009

Then comes the bailout for the pirates. Or he gives them amnesty here in the US and looks for communities to place them in for assimilation.

Spec

Apr 10, 2009

What is wrong with our "president?" What a stupid idea. That's like saying to fight bank robberies we need to reduce the number of banks.

Rob B

Apr 10, 2009

I know this is satire, but it is so unbelievably sad that it sounds like a typical response by this administration.

Rayo

Apr 10, 2009

Decrease the amount of shipping in the area or increase the amount of Joe in the area? W doesn't mess with Joe, Pirates won't mess with Joe, nobody messes with Joe. Joe will even recall for us his days as the skipper of the A.R.R.A Deficit, sailing the salty seas of capitalism, converting the savages to salvation/socialism, pillagin' and plunderin' the scurvey dogs who would not turn to Dear Leader as their savior, sending them 11 chapters under the sea, to meet the warm hell of "Davey Jones" Geitner. Once there, these high acheiving, motherless jackalls would either agree to be re-educated, or re-employed under the table as Davey Jones' nanny or cabin boy. Yes, Ole' Blue Hair Plug Biden would put starch in those lubers linen, I tell ye. ARRRG!

Chris

Apr 10, 2009

So, I guess we now know how he will handle 'car jackings' what a jerk. You can't blame me I didn't vote for him.

mkat33

Apr 10, 2009

They're not pirates. They're undocumented maritime entrepreneurs. They wouldn't even have to do this for a living if it wasn't for greedy white people, especially George W. Bush.

Uolengineer

Apr 10, 2009

Are you friggin kiddin me? Is this even serious?

Uolengineer

Apr 10, 2009

Are you friggin kiddin me? Is this even serious?

JamesonLewis3rd

Apr 10, 2009

To say that, BHO is so far ahead of The Curve as to be superhuman, goes without saying. But what is ahead of that "curve", anyway? And is that a good place to be? Rhetorical questions?

Scott

Apr 10, 2009

We may wind up needing a Poe's Law for this admin, since it's going to be hard to tell the difference between satire and reality.

John B

Apr 10, 2009

Perhaps now is the time for the Obama administration to suggest negotiating with the more moderate terrorist pirates...

Apr 10, 2009

Thomas Jefferson dealt with the same bunch in his day. Talk is cheap and appeasement costs us too much. Seams as though some things never change.

IP727

Apr 11, 2009

Can the registration of all semi automatic cargo ships be far behind??

Hopey McChange

Apr 12, 2009

This is what happens when you vot for change, ad you have one who never served in the US military or maritime services. You get one who never had his diaper changed. Hopey was more interested in ordering his fav pizza, from St Louis in times of economic downturn, he has shown he is a clown of a different color

Fishydude

Apr 12, 2009

BO ran as the second coming of FDR, JFK and Lincoln all wrapped up. What we got is Carter II. This taking of an American should have ended the day it happened. But BO is more concerned about upsetting Muslim pirates than he is about saving American lives.

roger

Apr 12, 2009

I sometimes wonder; why this President has to have something to say on every aspect or event...Military did their job...so, who is going to pay for the high price cost of goods; when they reduce shipping by ship? Is he going to give us a annual check to make up for the costs...woowee!

Steve Wright

Apr 13, 2009

I like the way he thinks. If we cut down on food production and eliminate food stamps, we can make a major move towards eliminating obesity in America.

captk

Apr 14, 2009

You are right again , Obama. Shut down all the cargo ships that provide many important necessities we consume everyday and destroy great jobs of millions of related jobs ,,,ooohhh yeah then we can replace those workers with illegal immigrants and give them free health care and free education etc.,,,,,

Apr 24, 2009

They take us for idiots. The people better wake up.

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Piracy spurs Obama calls for cargo-ship reductions

By: Scott Ott
Examiner Columnist
April 10, 2009