Warning: The characters in the following account are trained celebrities, with wealth, fame, good looks and a huge reservoir of potential mates to fall back on. Don't try this at home.
For Valentine's Day, Brad Pitt, the most powerful male movie star in the world, gave fiancee Angelina Jolie, the most powerful female movie star in the world, breath mints.
"It is sort of a joke -- and not," a friend of the power couple tells Us Weekly. "He always teases her that she has bad breath."
We repeat: Such actions are beyond the realm of mere mortals.
If you're seeing this news as something you can point to when your girlfriend is furious that you got her Tic-Tacs and a get-well-soon card for Valentine's Day, well, these weren't just any mints. The "World War Z" actor, 49, gave the "Maleficent" actress, 37, Eat Whatever mints, which are in fact two-stage mints: a swallowable gel cap plus a traditional mint candy as a chaser.
The vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free concoction may be the Rolls Royce of breath fresheners, but even so, the Brangelina insider insists to Us, "It's a joke gift ... he'll also get her something more serious."
The friend may be referring to the V-Day announcement that the pair are coming out with their own line of wines, made from grapes from their Chateau Miraval winery in the South of France. Chateau Miraval, coincidentally, is where, on Valentine's Day 2010, Angie surprised the "Tree of Life" star with an $18,500, 200-year-old tree. She must be laughing real hard at your joke right now, Brad.
"I would never date someone I'm convinced wouldn't have dated me when I was in high school."
- Jimmy Kimmel, to Playboy. The funnyman, who got engaged to "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" co-head writer Molly McNearney in August, said, "I'm not that kind of guy. I want to be loved for who I am, not for what I do for a living."
Yes, Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson's new lady, Lauren Popeil, is the daughter of infomercial king Ron Popeil.
"Downton Abbey" star Maggie Smith tells "60 Minutes" she's never seen the show.
Chris Brown and Drake are suing each other over their nightclub brawl in June.
Julianne Hough says she still gets "giddy" seeing boyfriend Ryan Seacrest on TV.
Chubby Checker is in a twist over an, um, organ-measuring app named after him.
Feb. 15, 1950: RKO Radio Pictures released the Walt Disney Animation Studios classic "Cinderella." Walt Disney's first feature-length film since "Bambi" in 1942 -- World War II put a damper in the studio's output -- "Cinderella" marked a resurgence for the legendary storyteller. The movie was billed as "A Love Story With Music," and it gave the world such songs as "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" and "A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes."
Happy birthday for Feb. 15:
Actress Amber Riley ("Glee") is 27.
Guitarist Gary Clark Jr. is 29.
Drummer Ronnie Vannucci of the Killers is 37.
Singer Brandon Boyd of Incubus is 37.
Actress Sarah Wynter ("24") is 40.
Actress Renee O'Connor ("Xena: Warrior Princess") is 42.
Actor Michael Easton is 46.
Country singer Michael Reynolds of Pinmonkey is 49.
Bassist Mikey Craig of Culture Club is 53.
Actor Joseph R. Gannascoli ("The Sopranos") is 54.
Singer Ali Campbell of UB40 is 54.
Model Janice Dickinson ("America's Next Top Model") is 58.
Cartoonist Matt Groening ("The Simpsons") is 59.
Singer Melissa Manchester is 62.
Actress Jane Seymour is 62.
Drummer Mick Avory of the Kinks is 69.
Songwriter Brian Holland of Holland-Dozier-Holland is 72.
Actress Claire Bloom is 82.