Sex scandals? Dysfunctional Vatican bureaucracy? Declining religiosity around the globe? Who can fix this? If there's one man for the job, it's Dennis Rodman.
The basketball star, whose recent trip to North Korea made him the first American to meet dictator Kim Jong Un, has done enough to help humanity, most people would agree. But the tireless diplomat, having saved the world by preventing nuclear war, has moved on to saving Catholicism.
Dennis flew to Italy on Tuesday to witness the white smoke himself, and tells TMZ his "people" in Rome are in touch with the Vatican, arranging a sit-down with the next pope.
What compels Dennis to travel the world meeting the great moral leaders of our time?
"I want to be anywhere in the world that I'm needed," the Worm tells the gossip site. "I want to spread a message of peace and love throughout the world."
Forget the new pope, we have a new dalai lama.
That's how she rolls
Anyone who's seen the video for her hit song "Paparazzi" knows Lady Gaga can do some sweet dance moves in a wheelchair and on crutches. Why shouldn't she have as much fun with disability in real life?
The singer, who has canceled the rest of her Born This Way Ball tour due to a hip injury, is riding out her recovery in a 24-karat gold-plated wheelchair with a leather seat that reclines.
Mother Monster, 26, commissioned Ken Borochov, who's dressed Nicki Minaj, Kanye West and Cher Lloyd, to design her ride.
"I certainly wasn't expecting that phone call and have never done a wheelchair," Ken told the New York Post, "but am always up for a challenge and was thrilled to create what I affectionately dubbed the Chariot, a chair fit only for a queen."
The Chariot also has a removable black canopy, making it look like a baby buggy designed by Tim Burton. Weird, we admit, but at least it's not made out of meat.
Edward Norton has knocked up "Knocked Up" producer Shauna Robertson, his fiancee, a source tells Us Weekly.
Evander Holyfield was all ears at Mike Tyson's one-man autobiographical show in Los Angeles, TMZ reports.
Gerard Butler told Howard Stern he had a "one-afternooner" with "Real Housewife" Brandi Glanville -- and forgot her name afterward.
Tiger Woods and skiier Lindsay Vonn spent the weekend on the golf superstar's yacht, Privacy, the Daily Mail reports.
Meanwhile, Tiger's ex, Elin Nordegren, is dating her Florida neighbor, billionaire coal magnate Chris Cline, per the New York Post.
"I don't owe this lady a cent. And if this 50-year-old woman would spend her time more productively at trying to find a job, instead of abusing the judicial system with frivolous lawsuits, we would all be a lot better off."
- Judge Judy, to TMZ. Her Honor is being sued by Patric Jones, a woman, who is divorcing a producer of Judy's show. Patric claims the producer sold Judy the couple's valuable tableware for 10 cents on the dollar as part of a revenge scheme, and wants the judge to pay her fair share.
Happy birthday for March 13:
Actor Emile Hirsch ("Speed Racer") is 28.
Actor Danny Masterson ("That '70s Show") is 37.
Singer Glenn Lewis is 38.
Rapper Khujo of Goodie Mob is 41.
Rapper Common is 41.
Actress Tracy Wells ("Mr. Belvedere") is 42.
Actress Annabeth Gish is 42.
Drummer Matt McDonough of Mudvayne is 44.
Jazz trumpeter Terence Blanchard is 51.
Bassist Adam Clayton of U2 is 53.
Actress Dana Delaney is 57.
Actress Glenne Headly is 58.
Comedian Robin Duke is 59.
Actor William H. Macy is 63.
Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 74.