A college consultant named William Singer was the ringleader who allegedly helped 800 students buy and cheat their way into elite schools. The revelation has been nothing short of revolting. The story has the public so hungry for details that people are actually reading indictments so as not to miss a thing.
Even die-hard followers of this traumatizing tale, however, may be in need of a laugh. If so, have I got the movie for you!
Released in 1989 and instantly forgotten, the gloriously goofy “How I Got into College,” starring Anthony Edwards, hilariously laid out all manner of back doors and side doors for the underachieving student, including the path of the phony athletic career. The shameless tactics on parade worked for most of the movie’s characters, and until lately, worked well enough for dozens of real-life charlatans now being prosecuted for trying to wheedle their way into coveted colleges they thought their offspring deserved.
This trippy, over-the-top flick pulled in a measly $1.6 million at the domestic box office in its 1989 debut. But what a difference a giant pay-not-to-play scandal makes!
Terrel Seltzer’s screenplay has held up incredibly well. She’s got the athletic coach with his hand out. The unctuous “legacy” who insists that his son cannot be expected to follow the ordinary rules of getting in. Admission officers readily seduced by applicants’ numbers on paper. Slick college consultants, played to the nines by Nora Dunn and Phil Hartman, who never met a “late-bloomer” they could not help for the right sum of money.
When our hero, Marlon Browne, played by Corey Parker, enters their lair seeking help with his applications, Dunn’s character, Francine, quickly ditches her Pro Wrestling magazine to chime into her phone, “Duke, can you hold please, I have Georgetown on the other line.”
“For $1,000, we can make anyone’s life sound interesting,” she assures Marlon, doubtful that his test scores or Saturdays babysitting his stepbrother would impress anyone.
“What you need is a hook,” booms Phil Hartman’s character, Bennedict. “Something for the committee to remember you by.”
Earlier, the pair had quizzed their quarry if he played any sports. “If you’re good, it’s always going to help you,” Bennedict insisted before he and Francine pepper Marlon about all the sports where he could be a contender:
“Football? Baseball? Soccer? Swimming? Lacrosse? Wrestling? Water Polo? Discus? Tennis? Volleyball? Javelin? Something?” they suggest, getting nowhere. Marlon finally volunteers that he once won a neighborhood ping-pong match.
Most of Marlon’s friends are no better off. Asked by pals if she planned on retaking the SAT, one tearful classmate laments, “I have to. With the scores I have now, I can only get into the schools I’d never go to.”
Even Marlon’s romantic interest, Jessica Kailo, played by Lara Flynn Boyle, thought to be a shoo-in at one alluring college, thinks her life is over after bungling her interview with a chancy move. Marlon reassures her that she will not be branded a “moron for life” once she gets to college, or be ruined. “Trying things out is what happens in college,’’ he counsels her. “You get a great chance to start out all over again just when most people need to. It’s like a federal protection and relocation program for teenagers.”
It’s that sweet heart inside the stinging satire that makes this movie fun. And if you, like me, missed this gem the first time around, lucky for us, it’s now streaming on Amazon Prime with HBO Go. Somewhere, I hope someone is toasting Terrel Seltzer on her late-bloomer of a story.
Alison Leigh Cowan, a former New York Times reporter and editor, is editor of the Sixth edition of How to Survive Your Freshman Year.
