Pledging to join the Paris climate agreement, Tuesday, Syria unveiled a unique plan to reduce its carbon emissions.
First, President Bashar Assad intends to double down on an already proven strategy of redirecting carbon emissions out of the atmosphere. Entitled "the carbon alternative," Assad's approach will involve Syrian volunteers storing environmentally damaging chemicals such as VX, sarin, and chlorine in their lungs.
Assad deserves credit for his bold leadership here. A humanitarian, the Syrian leader doesn’t want to hurt his own people. Still, he recognizes that the scale of the carbon crisis requires decisive action. While the U.S. National Institutes of Health note that Sarin causes a somewhat unpleasant death by "anoxia resulting from airway obstruction, weakness of the muscles of respiration, convulsions and respiratory failure," Assad is a leader capable of making decisions for the greater good.
Second, so as to reduce his nation’s carbon output, Assad has pledged to continue his campaign of "moral depopulation." Again, the president has already done great work here. Since 2011, his regime has killed over 250,000 terrorists across the country. Working with his fellow Paris accord signatories, Russia and Iran, Assad now intends to focus his auspicious efforts on Syria’s western Idlib province.
Third, Assad will engage with a longtime stakeholder, the Lebanese Hezbollah, to develop a humanitarian plan to reduce per capita carbon output. Utilizing Hezbollah’s experience in developing low-emissions rockets and employing powerful but targeted exothermic reactions, Assad hopes to move Syria into a post-carbon future.
Unsurprisingly, Syria's forward-looking agenda is garnering widespread support across the globe. In one such statement of congratulation, the Sierra Club endorsed Assad's willingness to lead the world in "moving forward together to tackle the climate crisis."
Or, as Alice explained in Wonderland, "If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense."