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President Barack Obama today celebrated his 48th birthday with a retroactive declaration of statehood for Kenya, his father’s homeland and the nation where some skeptics say he was born on August 4, 1961.
Conspiracy theorists, collectively called ‘birthers’ by those who trust the president’s version of events, say Obama has refused to release his official birth certificate, so no one can be sure that he’s a ‘natural born’ U.S. citizen, or even that he’s at least 35 years old and, therefore, Constitutionally qualified for the office.
By declaring Kenya a U.S. state retroactive to July 1961, the president said he hoped to “put an end to fruitless speculation about my citizenship, which should — by the way — be a private matter between a woman and her obstetrician, or village midwife as the case may be.”
Obama added: “We need to get the nation’s focus back on the worst economy since the Great Depression, the 46 million uninsured Americans, and the global warming crisis that threatens our coastal cities with a briny death. More people believe in that stuff than will ever believe that I was born in Mombasa. I was elected to bring about change you can believe in.”
As a citizen of either the 50th or the 51st state, Obama’s eligibility for office is now unquestioned. For their part, citizens of Kenya will soon qualify for U.S. government-run health care, as well as a program designed to reduce greenhouse gasses by allowing people to trade in old chickens for more modern, efficient poultry — a pilot project dubbed ‘cash for cluckers’.
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site.
