News fairly unbalanced. We report. You decipher.
Uncle Sam’s Cash-for-Clunkers program has already spent its allotted $3 billion, making it by government standards an instant success, and forcing Democrats look for alternative ways to compensate auto retailers for the deeply-discounted deals they’ve made on some 457,000 vehicles.
Many car dealers have yet to receive a nickel from the federal government after waving goodbye to dozens of customers who drove off of their lots in new cars marked down by up to $4,500.
However, President Barack Obama today told dealers not to “worry about reimbursement because if cash runs out, we have warehouses across the land stacked high with government-surplus cheese, canned hams and other tangible commodities every bit as good as cash in these tough economic times.”
The president hailed the “surprise success” of the program, noting that “from all I know about economics and business, I never expected that drastically reducing the price of a new car would increase sales like that. It’s like there’s some kind of magical power that turns lookers into buyers when you slash the sticker. Who knew?”
Obama said he has assigned some of the best and brightest minds from top Ivy League universities to “flesh out” his new economic theory that substantially lower prices can drive demand even during times when people are carefully regulating their spending.
“If the principle I’ve discovered holds true for other products as well,” he said, “then for all intents and purposes, this economic crisis is over. I’ll just sign an executive order commanding all retailers to cut their prices in exchange for a government promise to reimburse them at a later date.”
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world’s leading family-friendly news satire source.
