Q: Sometimes my 4-year-old is impossible to control, and I really want to spank him. Do you think that’s OK? — Kelly J., Springfield, Mo. A: It’s great that you asked; it shows you know that spanking might not be the smartest way to help your son grow into a successful, happy teenager and adult. Fortunately, since Joan Crawford wielded a wire hanger against her adopted daughter, Christina, (remember Faye Dunaway’s portrait in “Mommie Dearest”?), we’ve come a long way — 18 percent fewer kids were spanked or beaten (using an object like a paddle or a belt) in 2010 than in 1975. But almost half of all 8- and 9-year-olds are still hit by their parents; and younger kids aren’t exempt from the damaging abuse, either. Research shows kids who are spanked or hit with an object have lower IQs; they shut down their learning powers. They are also more aggressive, particularly boys, and get in more trouble than kids who are not spanked. Children who are spanked also have sexual problems and low self-esteem as adults.
So what can you do when your child is a pain in the neck? Understand what’s going on. Children act out when they don’t have words to express their frustration and anger. To teach your 4-year-old to express his thoughts and feelings, you can put words in his mouth. You might say, “I know you’re feeling tired and wish we could go home, but we can’t. We have to finish grocery shopping.” This helps him release the tension he feels from being trapped somewhere he doesn’t want to be and shows him what he could say to you to make you understand his feelings. It doesn’t always work; sometimes you just have to leave the store before you want to. But it’s important to offer that help so he can learn impulse control and use words in place of actions. And remember, whenever you feel like spanking your child, take a deep breath and count to 10. You’re the grown-up and should be able to come up with an expressive and thoughtful alternative to hitting your child.
