The fading celebrity trophy wife ranks as one of the easiest jobs of modern life: Refresh your fillers enough that the Daily Mail can never describe you as “tired-looking” in a supposedly candid shot staged outside, pop out just enough children that your trainer and your plastic surgeon can nip you back into a size two, and develop just enough of a rapport with your mindless friends that they’ll buy whatever FitTea or slave-labor made swimsuit you’re paid to tag in your inexplicably popular Instagram posts.
Oh, and perhaps don’t pretend to be a borderline-racist caricature of a barely literate Latina woman when you’re actually whiter than Wonder Bread. This is the rule Alec Baldwin’s wife broke in, shall I say, hilarious fashion, for years, and the sniveling bootlickers of our celebrity press corps let her.
Hillary Thomas was born to American parents in Boston and spent most of her life in Massachusetts until she successfully social-climbed her way to Baldwin’s side. Since then, she decided to rewrite her origin story as a Majorca-born Latina, renaming herself “Hilaria” Baldwin, adopting a Spanish accent and affectation so serious she pretended not to know the English word for cucumber on a show, and repeatedly claimed to be Spanish herself. In the sheer boredom of our coronavirus Christmastime, some random Twitter users pieced together the sheer insanity of Baldwin’s inconsistent accent and story.
Here she is pretending not to know how to say cucumber in English ? pic.twitter.com/g8xYNktsNY
— elena ilana alana alina elana (not) (@lenibriscoe) December 21, 2020
Hilaria Baldwin went on the #momtruths podcast in April 2020 and said she didn’t move to the US until she was 19 to go to NYU pic.twitter.com/s1BojT4XAH
— #1 Rachel (@rachel) December 27, 2020
In a country suffering from a pandemic, tyrants keeping schools and businesses from reopening, and mounting crime gutting our cities, some D-list celebrity pulling a Rachel Dolezal doesn’t really matter. All it does do is elucidate the growing divide in the press’s treatment of the haves and the have-nots.
Despite a lengthy history of screaming homophobic slurs at strangers, threatening journalists with violence, and assaulting random bystanders, Alec Baldwin spent the Trump era foraying from an unfunny comedian to an unfunny but woke comedian, and the kingmakers of the entertainment and political media largely let him. While Hilaria was flashing her bare butt and whatever new baby she had last week to her nearly 1 million Instagram followers, her husband earned the sort of fawning coverage from legacy media usually expected from waiting room rags such as People and Us Weekly.
But while, say, the New York Times decided that Hilaria’s cosplaying as a Latina stereotype was off-limits (even as they wrote growing profiles of her as well, including uncritically her “slight Spanish accent”) the paper of record has celebrated children having their college admissions revoked for a video of them singing the N-word along to a song when they were 15 as a “reckoning.”
A psychopathic kid gets a video of a girl using a racial slur when she’s 15, holds on to it until she has chosen a college to get her admissions revoked. The NYT celebrates this “reckoning.” How many previous tyrannical regimes have gone after the children?https://t.co/cgIsjgMKp3 pic.twitter.com/UoQ48j3jhE
— Richard Hanania (@RichardHanania) December 27, 2020
From politicians throwing superspreader parties while small businesses shutter to celebrities getting city passes to keep on throwing themselves award shows and operating film sets while the newly unemployed plebians are asked to spend Christmas alone, the coronavirus has only heightened the divide between the ruling class and its subjects. But that divide existed long before this pandemic, and one only needs to see the treatment the normies get from the media to believe it.
Want to wear blackface? If you’re a celebrity like Jimmy Kimmel, you can wear it on national television to pantomime an actual black person and get away with it. If you’re a governor like Democrat Ralph Northam, you can even survive not being sure if you wore a full minstrel get-up or a Klan hood. But if you’re a random nobody at a party wearing blackface in the misguided attempt to make anti-racist social commentary, the Washington Post will publish an entire expose about it that results in you losing your job.
Want to use the N-word? If you’re a multimillionaire celebrity like Alec Baldwin, you can just tweet it out and keep your gig lampooning the president on Saturday Night Live. Be a foolish child singing the word along with song lyrics in a private Snapchat video, and the Gray Lady will consider it a newsworthy reckoning when you lose your spot at college many years later when a bitter narc sends an outrage mob your way.
Want to appropriate (and stereotype) a foreign culture as your entire identity? Just make sure you’re a celebrity hot enough that you can convince the tabloids you’ve corroded just enough brain cells with crash diets and injectibles that you legitimately forgot whether you were actually born and raised in Spain until you went to college or if you’re actually a boring white girl from Boston who managed to marry up.
Hilaria Baldwin should be as newsworthy as any other yogi married to a serial jerk. But be it the Covington Catholic boys or aspiring college students, the nobodies rendered even less favored during our corona tyranny have now been deemed literal A1 material. So why not break down the celebutantes?
