Field representatives for the U.S. Census Bureau recently found out the hard way that the Greg Kane superquick mini-course on federalism is just one of many services I offer.
It all started when the bureau made the mistake of “randomly selecting” my house as one of three million to send its “Survey of Income and Program Participation” questionnaire. Of course, being the staunch federalist I am, I refused to answer a single question.
I told one field representative who called me precisely that: I would answer NO questions from the survey. But you and I know that our federal government being what it is the matter didn’t just die there.
NOOOOO. About a week later I got a call from a woman with what sounded like a lovely French accent. Since I didn’t know her from a kabuki dancer, I passed on giving her a return call.
Undaunted, she decided to show up one Wednesday afternoon on the front porch of my Pimlico home. Let me make this very clear: The woman was VERY polite. She was very gracious. Indeed, she had one of the loveliest personalities I’ve ever seen.
It almost pained me to give her my superquick mini-course in federalism, but she got it anyway.
She started off by explaining to me how Congress passed a law mandating Census Bureau workers make a pain in the neck of themselves by going to private homes and asking residents questions for the survey. The info was needed, she said, so my benevolent federal government could best know how to allocate federal dollars (i.e., OUR tax money) for things like, say, school lunch and breakfast programs.
You read that right: The woman wasn’t on my porch five minutes before she played the “it’s for the children” card.
I countered by saying that the U.S Constitution required the federal government to conduct a census every 10 years. Nowhere in the document does it say I’m required to answer personal questions about myself or where I live.
“The federal government already has enough information about me,” I told the field representative. “It knows my name; it knows my address; it knows my occupation and income; it knows my home telephone number; it knows whether I’m buying my house or renting it; and it darn sure better know that I’m giving up no further information about Gregory P. Kane.”
Ah, but this woman was nothing but persistent. She tried her best for a few more minutes to get me to cooperate. I did my best to explain that the U.S. Constitution was designed to LIMIT the power of the federal government, and that most of those programs she described were on shaky constitutional ground. I considered what she — and the U.S. Census Bureau — was asking was tantamount to asking me to aid and abet the federal government in violating the very Constitution that government is sworn to uphold.
I finally got rid of the woman by giving her my cell phone number and asking her to call me so we could continue our conversation.
When she did, I told her my answer was the same: No, I wouldn’t answer any questions from the survey.
Late last week I called the Census Bureau and talked to Mark Tolbert in the media relations office and Stephen Buckner, who oversees the American Community Survey. They explained the federal government uses that survey, among others, to plan for bus routes, schooling and other things.
In short, things that the U.S. Constitution prohibits the federal government from being involved in and that should be handled by the states.
About 2.5 percent of American households get such questionnaires every year, Tolbert and Buckner explained, and added that it’s not unusual for Census Bureau field representatives to visit one household five times to see if residents will answer survey questions.
Tolbert and Buckner were every bit as polite and gracious as the woman who visited my house. So was Roderick Wiley of the bureau’s regional office in Philadelphia. He told me my address would be taken off the list of homes that field representatives would be making follow-up visits to, but that if any show up I should just tell them I’ve already spoken to someone in the regional office about the matter.
I hope those reps get the word. My mini-course in federalism awaits any who don’t.
Gregory Kane is a columnist who has been writing about Baltimore and Maryland for more than 15 years. Look for his columns in the editorial section every Thursday and Sunday. Reach him at [email protected].
