For Army Chaplain Doug Duerksen, like too many Maryland fathers, mothers, spouses, siblings and children, this Memorial Day ? and every one hereafter ? is different.
“I have to admit, like everyone, Memorial Day was about sales and hopefully a day off from work,” Duerksen said last week in his office at Aberdeen Proving Ground. “But this year, it?ll just be a quiet day at home with my wife.”
The Duerksens lost their 19-year-old daughter, Amy, stationed inIraq, on March 11 following injuries sustained in a non-combat incident on March 8.
“More than anything else,” said Chaplain Doug Duerksen, “I?ll miss playing with her. I?ll miss her kisses. I miss the hugs.”
For many families, today will be one more milestone to pass, one more difficult day to come to grips with the loss of a child or loved one.
“We boycotted Mother?s Day this year,” Duerksen said. “We didn?t answer the phone all day. We took one phone call and that was from our other daughter, April.”
April joined the Army after her sister enlisted last spring and is stationed at Fort Sam Houston in Texas.
Pfc. Amy A. Duerksen, U.S. Army, had been unsure what to study after high school, her father said, but wanted to attend the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor, a conservative Christian institution in Texas, where she had gone to high school. She needed money for the private school, however, and when she visited the Norman Rockwell Museum in Massachusetts, an inspiration became a plan.
“She saw the four Rockwell paintings, they?re called the Four Freedoms,” Duerksen said. “Everybody has seen them, but probably doesn?t know they go together. There is the Freedom of Speech ? the man standing up in the town hall meeting; Freedom from Want ? with a big turkey being placed on the dinner table at Thanksgiving: Freedom of Worship ? a portrait of with men and women in prayer; and Freedom from Fear ? with a mom tucking her children in bed and dad standing nearby with a newspaper in hand with a headline about the bombings in London.
“She saw those, and she knew what she wanted to do. She had bought postcards of each one, and when she graduated from basic training I had them framed and gave them to her as a gift.”
A favorite son lost
Al Snyder didn?t ? and doesn?t ? support the war in Iraq, but he supported everything his son, Matt, a 2003 graduate of Westminster High School, wanted to do.
“Both of his grandfathers were in the military, and I think because of his family he wanted to join the military since he was 9 years old ? he always wanted to be a soldier,” said Snyder, who works in Baltimore.
“He was 17 when he graduated from high school and he needed his mom?s and my signature to join. Of course, hindsight is 20-20. I wouldn?t do that again.”
“Matt had such a wonderful personality, he was funny, always had a smile on his face,” said his mother, Julie Snyder. “So many people have come forward in the community, people that I didn?t even know he knew and said he had impact on them and that?s been good for me.
“I have friends who work at Garrison Forest Veterans Cemetery, and in past years I?ve gone over on Memorial Day and helped them put out the little flags,” Julie Snyder said. “At some point this weekend, I?ll go visit Matt there.”
Al Snyder is very clear about his feeling on the war, saying he doesn?t trust the Bush administration and believes it has bungled the war, but he also makes it clear he is proud of every soldier and says the Marine Corps has done everything possible to help the family since Matt?s death.
Neither his feelings on the war nor the Marine Corps? efforts have much effect on his grieving, he said.
“The hardest part is trying to fall asleep,” Al Snyder said. “You try to keep yourself busy during the day, but then what can you do at night? I have his picture on my desk at work, and I pray a lot and find comfort there.
“I remember what a priest said at his service: ?At first, you?ll mostly be sad at their memory, but there will come a time when you smile again when you think of them.? Hopefully, that won?t take too many years.”
Killed six weeks apart
Norman Anderson and Josh Snyderbecame friends in middle school, played football in high school, joined the Marine Corps together and will be forever linked in the Hereford community.
Both played on Hereford?s 2002 state championship football team; both were killed in Iraq last fall.
They were honored as part of the dedication of a memorial garden at Hereford Middle School on Thursday evening with several other former students who died unexpectedly in the past year.
“Josh took it very hard when he learned about Norman,” said his mother, Doris Snyder. “As soon as he heard, he called and he was handling it pretty rough. But he went back out two days later on patrol. He knew Norman would have wanted him to do the job they set out to do.”
Josh Snyder was killed exactly six weeks after Anderson was. Thursday morning at Hereford gym, the first Anderson-Snyder Scholarship was given to a graduating senior who exemplified the best of the young men?s character.
“We left it open to anybody to apply,” said Tori Anderson, 21, Norman?s widow. “We encouraged football players and guys thinking of going into the military, but it?s for the person who best exemplifies their spirit, the path they were taking. They put other people before themselves. With Norman, it was three things: family, friends and the Marine Corps.”
Tori and Norman got married two months before he was killed in Iraq.
“I knew from our first date he was the one I was going to marry,” Tori said. “We spent 7 1/2 hours together. I remembering telling my mom afterward that I was going marry him someday.
“We got married Aug. 5 this year, he left for Iraq Aug. 25 and he died Oct. 19. We had been dating four years. When he got back from camp he wanted to get married; he didn?t want to wait. He wanted to make sure we walked down the aisle together, that we had that long moment together.”
Just take a moment
All the families said Memorial Day will be one more step in what they know will be a long mourning process. Chaplain Duerksen said there are times when something insignificant, unexpected, like the copy machine jamming at work, can be overwhelming and “I?ll just pack up and that would be it for the day.”
Al Snyder said it is a day-by-day struggle. Matt Snyder?s mother only now is starting to talk about her son again and says something heartbreaking happens every day.
Julie and Doris Snyder both said they are surprised regularly by the people they have met who said their boys ? young men ? touched their lives, and that helps.
Acquaintances have also said upsetting things to them about the war that they feel are inappropriate. They also feel awkward answering even simple questions like ?How many children do you have??
“I still don?t know how to answer that and haven?t met anybody who does,” Chaplain Duerksen said.
Mostly they want their children and loved ones to be remembered today.
“They wouldn?t want anybody mourning them,” said Norman?s mother Robyn Anderson. “They would want people to go out have fun today and enjoy themselves. But just take a moment to think of them.”
