‘There are no two words in the English language more harmful than ‘good job.’ ” So said Terence Fletcher, the terrifying jazz conductor played by J. K. Simmons in Whiplash. Sure, Fletcher mentally and physically abused his students—and the drummer protagonist in particular—but what he said is undeniably true. Participant trophies, anyone?
So when Simmons, who won an Academy Award for his role in Whiplash, was asked to deliver the commencement address at his alma mater, the University of Montana, The Scrapbook was curious: What other nuggets of wisdom might Simmons throw out? Or would he throw a cymbal at a student’s head?
Although Simmons is not anything like the sadistic Fletcher (or, for that matter, the neo-Nazi Vern Schillinger he played in Oz), he does come off as a charming curmudgeon. “The world is full of bastards,” he started off by saying (quoting from A River Runs Through It). “The number increasing rapidly the further one gets from Missoula, Montana.”
Simmons urged the class of 2016 to “appreciate the moment, to live life as it is happening, not dwell on the past, not be too anxious about the future, but to do one’s best to be here now . . . to also be mentally, emotionally, spiritually present. And by ‘present’ I mean fully engaged and not staring at your damn smartphone all the time.” Simmons then suggested throwing the phone away in nearby Flathead Lake while enjoying a sunset in pure solitude. “I’m having an aural fantasy now of the ‘sploosh’ that that phone would make when it hits the lake.” In addition, he advised the class to pay “attention to the moment, connecting with other humans, and I urge you not to spend—or more correctly waste—too much of your time playing videos on your iPhone.”
Simmons then went on a tear about a pet peeve shared by The Scrapbook:
As an example, he related his own experience in line at a café in Los Angeles. “Standing right in front of me were two people, who happened to be college age. They happened to be female. They happened to be blonde. And they sounded exactly like Moon Unit Zappa in that song ‘Valley Girl.’ . . . And one of them was saying to the other . . . and I quote, ‘And I couldn’t believe it. I, literally, I died.’ ”
Simmons also repeated part of his Oscar acceptance speech: “Call your mom. Call your dad. . . . If you’re lucky enough to have one or more parents alive on this planet, call them. Don’t text. Don’t email. Call them on the phone. Tell them you love them and listen to them for as long as they want to talk to you. . . . Do you know how much it means to them to hear from you? . . . We all come into this life 100 percent dependent on our parents. . . . We would literally have died without our parents’ nurturing.”
There was one other pearl of wisdom Simmons dispensed: “If you only do what you can, you will never be more than you are.” Simmons then confessed this line comes from the movie Kung Fu Panda 3—he was the voice of Kai, a lumbering yak. (For all the fearsome characters Simmons has portrayed, it’s worth remembering he’s also the tweed-wearing professor in those Farmers Insurance commercials and is the voice of the yellow M&M.)
The commencement speech in its entirety can be seen on YouTube, posted by the University of Montana under the title “J. K. Simmons’ University of Montana Commencement Address.”
