An all-too-familiar scene is being repeated thousands of times around the country over this long holiday weekend. Folks are enjoying a church picnic, a family reunion, or a neighborhood block party (perhaps with a little more social distancing than usual). The hot dogs, hamburgers, or ribs are delicious; the weather is lovely; the conversation is sparkling. Then, out of the blue, someone utters the most frightening sentence in summer’s entire lexicon: “Who made the potato salad?”
Everyone freezes. Those five simple words strike terror in the heart of all who hear them. The answer frequently sparks a conversation that rapidly devolves into a verbal brawl. The questioner is saying much more than simply asking in whose kitchen the potato salad originated; they have thrown down the gauntlet.
What’s the most explosive issue dividing people in the summer of 2020? COVID-19? Protests and rioting? The looming Trump-Biden presidential campaign? Think again. They’re all child’s play compared to this, the mother of all disputes.
It’s potato salad. Yes, this simple summertime standby is as dangerous as a keg of TNT.
That’s because the American public takes potato salad very seriously. Though misnamed — it’s actually a side dish rather than a salad — that doesn’t stop us from wolfing down the stuff like it’s going out of style. While I’ve been unable to discover just how much is consumed annually (sadly, there is no National Association of Potato Salad Producers), the figure must be staggering. We do know the typical person consumes a whopping 117 pounds of potatoes in all varieties (baked, chips, and salad) every year. That’s enough to keep potato farmers from Idaho to Maine very busy growing them.
While some people claim Spanish conquistadors carried a form of potato salad to the New World, the dish’s origins are believed to stretch back to ancient Germany. The Irish may be famous for their love of the spud, but the German passion for die Kartoffel gives them a serious run for their money. It’s widely believed that German immigrants brought the dish to America’s shores in the 19th century. Cooks in the United States have been tinkering with the recipe ever since.
Which is what makes “Who made the potato salad?” so potentially explosive. A brave soul (or someone who’s spoiling for a fight) answers, “I did.” After giving the obligatory polite compliment to the specific dish, the questioner then says something like, “But that’s not the way Aunt Martha made her potato salad.” And with that, the battle is on.
Even though we use the generic name “potato salad,” in reality, there are more varieties than Heinz has products. (That’s 57, according to its label.) Almost every culture from the North Sea to the Japanese islands has some sort of stem tuber concoction, ranging from mayonnaise to vinegar-based. Among the most popular variations: mustard, egg, German (my personal favorite), Southern, red skin, herbed red, bacon ranch, Creole, Mediterranean, healthy, creamy — the list is endless. There are even knockdown, drag-out fights over whether the potato’s skin should be left on or peeled off.
The division is so widespread that there was even a 2006 feature filmed called Who Made the Potato Salad? starring Jaleel White, the guy who played TV’s irritatingly funny Steve Urkel in the 1990s.
So, when the question next arises, you have two options: Either dive for cover under the picnic table, or quickly change the conversation to something less controversial. Talk about what religion is the one true faith or what a great (or terrible) job you think President Trump is doing. Personally, I recommend fleeing. Always remember:
He who ducks and runs away,
Lives to enjoy potato salad another day.
J. Mark Powell (@JMarkPowell) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. He’s the vice president of communications at Ivory Tusk Consulting, a South Carolina-based agency. A former broadcast journalist and government communicator, his “Holy Cow! History” column is available at jmarkpowell.com.
