So maybe Mr. Rochester should have admitted to Jane Eyre early on that he had a crazy wife living in his attic. She might have decided to date other people. Seems all of us have a skeleton or two in our life?s closet, but when?s the best time to trot them out in a new relationship? After one month? Three months? On Halloween?
DAN: Here?s a tip, don?t tell all on the first date. This creates a false sense of intimacy, and frankly, it?s rather weird. Problem is, some women can be so desperate to have a relationship, they want to hit dating?s fast-forward button and “start sharing” before the appetizers arrive. Of course, there are some things you have a right to know from the get-go: Do you have an STD? Are you married? Are you a Trekkie? You don?t want to find these things out once you start shopping for rings.
JOAN: When it comes to dates, I?ve encountered more skeletons than CSI. I?ve had first dates admit everything from impotency to incest ? way more information than I wanted to know. But I?m glad I knew so I could make a decision about accepting another date. It?s better than finding out six months later.
DAN: I talked about this to a local business coach, Sharon, and she notes that “people tend to be in two camps: those who ?spill their guts? right away, hoping to establish intimacy; and those who never (or rarely) open up from fear or bad experiences. I think a middle road is best. Share something that helps the other person understand more of who you are and see how they handle that. Do they respect that part of you? Do they blab to others about what you told them? Are they interested in learning more? That will help you determine if or when to open up more.”
JOAN: I had a prisoner from the House of Correction in Jessup write me a 10-page letter after seeing my photo in Baltimore Magazine. He wanted to date me after he was released. That?s a non-negotiable.
DAN: Turning up your nose on “caged heat,” eh? I?m reminded of a quote from Eugene Debs, famed labor organizer and prison inmate: “While there is a lower class I am in it; while there is a criminal element I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free.” So, you never know. As my pal Karen chimes in when it comes to sharing, “The earlier, the better, but don’t scare them off in the first couple of weeks. Be sure to divulge any potential ?deal-killers? before you become too attached. It?ll be easier for you both, should things head south.”
JOAN: My friend Tom, who is divorced, says: “I don?t see it as a month or a year, but where you are in the relationship. I think there are three stages: when you start to get sexually intimate; when you decide to be in a long-term relationship or move in together; and when you decide to get married. I would say to talk about them between stages two and three.”
DAN: Beg to differ BIG time. Finding out your significant other is a founding member of the American Nazi Party and enjoys strangling animals in her spare time is not something you should be learning after sexual intimacy. No. No, No.
JOAN: What are some examples of skeletons? Tom says: “Maybe you have kids from your past who could show up on your doorstep; maybe you’re sterile or have issues of infidelity, promiscuity, debt, gambling or addictions; maybe you have filed bankruptcy or skipped on a loan or haven?t paid back taxes; maybe you lied about having a college degree.” There are certain secrets that could harm the person you’re dating, and they need to be addressed before you get involved sexually ? STDs. You absolutely need to tell, even if it means no more dates.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
