Poor Taylor Swift, she must be so sick of them coming at her again. For the third time since July, police in Westerly, Rhode Island, apprehended a man attempting to break into the pop star’s beachfront mansion. Talk about a “Cruel Summer.”
Last Friday, police responded to reports of a home invasion after a motion-activated burglary alarm was tripped at the 11,744-square-foot manse by a man who a witness says scaled a wall along the property. When they arrived on the scene, police found 26-year-old Richard Joseph McEwan standing in the foyer — without his shoes on.
According to the Westerly Sun, investigators reported that McEwan broke a glass door to gain entry but stopped first to take off his shoes and place them by the door before walking through the house in hopes of finding the “Girl At Home.” Thankfully, Swift was not.
“A pair of orange shoes were found at the doorway where he broke in,” Westerly Police Chief Shawn Lacey told the Sun. “When officers asked him why he wasn’t wearing any, he told them ‘I was always taught that when you go into someone’s home, you have to take your shoes off.’ He said he did it because it was polite.”
Because, as everyone knows, climbing over a wall, breaking a glass door, and illegally wandering through someone’s home like some lost deer on a highway only becomes impolite if you do it with your New Balances on.
“This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” — because absolute mad lads like Richard here listened to one thing his mom told him and then completely tuned out. That’s like thinking it’s OK to steal someone’s dog because you did the “polite thing” and asked them if you could pet it first. If only his mother had told him “You Need To Calm Down.”
Listen, Dick, this is not “How You Get The Girl.” This is how you end up “dancing with your hands tied” all the way to a cell. Put “polite crime” up there with “light treason.” “Call It What You Want,” it’s still breaking and entering. And it’s downright “Mean.”
Unfortunately for Swift, it’s unlikely this is the last time some deranged creep will try to break into one of her houses to try and convince her that “You Belong With Me.” But, just like all the others, I’m sure she will be able to “Shake It Off.”
(I’ll see myself out.)
—By J. Grant Addison
