Monkey gambling, synchronized swimming sea monkeys, and mountain lions on treadmills, oh my!
Coburn, who is retiring this year, is not letting his fellow Congressmen off the hook for the outrageous spending.
“Washington politicians are more focused on their own political futures than the future of our country. And with no one watching over the vast bureaucracy, the problem again isn’t just what Washington isn’t doing, but what it is doing,” Coburn wrote in the introduction.
But with Congress blocking most measures to reduce this wasteful spending, the Senator is calling on taxpayers to hold the government accountable.
“Some spending decisions are reversed before they can even make it into print to avoid embarrassment. A day after my office inquired about a life size inflatable foosball game the State Department ordered in September, for example, the purchase was canceled. What I have learned from these experiences is Washington will never change itself,” he wrote.
“But even if the politicians won’t stop stupid spending, taxpayers always have the last word. As you read through the entries presented in this report, ask yourself: Is each of these a true national priority or could the money have been better spent on a more urgent need or not spent at all in order to reduce the burden of debt being left to be paid off by our children and grandchildren?”
Here are some of the more outrageous examples from the 2014 Wastebook:
– $856,000 to study mountain lions on a treadmill
“In this study funded with an $856,000 National Science Foundation grant, three captive mountain lions were taught to use a treadmill. It took eight months of training before the cats were ‘comfortable on the treadmill.’ … The treadmill study found “mountain lions do not have the aerobic capacity for sustained, high-energy activity.”
-$171,000 for scientists to study gambling monkeys, hoping to find “secrets of free will”
“Humans have long been known to have a ‘hot-hand bias’ in which they believe hot or cold streaks exist where there is actually none. Researchers wanted to know if monkeys had the same problem…The researchers contend the study could ‘provide nuance to our understanding of free will’ or even ‘inform treatment for gambling addiction.'”
– $10,000 on a production of “Zombie in Love”
“While most zombies want to eat your brains, there’s one that wants to steal your heart. His story is told in a taxpayer-funded stage production about the ups-and-downs of a lovesick zombie who can’t find a date in the land of the living.”
-$10,000 on LITERALLY watching grass grow
“While the grass being observed, saltmarsh cordgrass is ‘a fast-growing plant,’ it can reach a length of 6 inches to as high as 7 feet tall…While the project may yield some new understandings of how to grow cordgrass, it looks more like just another weed of government waste in the federal budget. There are much more pressing challenges facing our nation that we should focus on than watching grass grow. ”
– $15,000 on a Colorado Symphony Orchestra production of “Classically Cannabis: The High Note Series”
“Pot dealers were not allowed to sell inside the shows, but people were encouraged to bring their own and smoke just before walking in. For those who wanted to take a drag during the show organizers provided an outdoor patio”
-$307,524 on synchronized swimming for sea monkeys
“Cartoon-style ads for pet Sea-Monkeys promise that you can learn to ‘make them appear to obey your commands, follow a beam of light, do loop-the-loops and even seem to dance when you play” music…With the financial support of three government agencies, researchers put these claims to the test and essentially choreographed a laser guided synchronized swim team of Sea Monkeys as part of a study to measure the swirl created by their collective movements.”
– $5.2 million on “voicemails from the future”
“A disruption in the time-space continuum has somehow caused voicemails from the future to fall from the sky, warning everyone who hears them about the disastrous effects of global warming: Zombies on the loose, airports underwater and bananas nearly impossible to find. So sets the stage for a game called FutureCoast, which attempts to teach people about what the future might hold if climate change makes the seas rise.It’s all funded by the National Science Foundation using a portion of a $5.2 million grant to Columbia University given, in part, to develop an interactive game to spur climate change activism.”
– $80 million for the Department of Defense to build a real-life Iron Man suit
“Government contractors have built a suit of military super-armor to withstand bullets and carry hundreds of pounds, all powered by futuristic energy source. No, that’s not the plot of Hollywood’s blockbuster movie series, Iron Man, but the hope of Pentagon officials to bring science fiction to the battlefield. The Department of Defense has set aside millions to try and create what it’s calling a Tactical Assault Light Operator Suit (TALOS).”
-$1,253,309 for federally funded ice cream
“In Idaho, a dairy farm received grant funds to launch a marketing campaign in part to sell its ice cream. This will likely allow the farm to focus on maintaining the “drive-thru” where new customers can come and “get [their] milk, ice cream cones, bread or yogurt . . . .” Other farms have also used the funds to grow their ice cream businesses, including one in Oregon, which plans to market a premium ice cream in its stores, and another in Washington which will help start up a store to sell ice cream.”
Read the full list of projects here.
