November 4, 2008 – “Goodnight and welcome to the show. I’m your host, Larry King, and our guests tonight are United States President-elect Barack Obama, and his new chief of staff, Congressman Rahm Emanuel. Welcome, gentlemen.”
Obama: “Thank you, Larry. It’s always a genuine pleasure to be on your program.”
Emanuel: “Ditto, but watch your [expletive deleted] step, you superannuated scoop of suspender-wearing slop. And none of those [expletive deleted] trick questions or you’re [multiple expletives deleted] finished.”
King: “Senator Obama – sorry, I mean President-elect Obama! You’ve been a special guest on this show for so long that I got behind in the job descriptions!”
Obama: (laughs) “Don’t worry, Larry. They tell me that the title changes again in January!”
Emanuel: “Listen up, laundry-bag. This is the kind of disrespectful bird dirt I was talking about. This is your last chance, poo-breath. Get with the program or, I promise you, you’re [expletive deleted] cat food.”
King: “Um, you started pulling together a team to address the economic crisis. President Bush, you said, promised complete cooperation. Is he keeping his promise?”
Obama: “Absolutely, Larry. President Bush wants to see the economic problems solved, and he’s definitely offering us all the help he can.”
Emanuel: “Wise up, jerk. Bush is a schmendrick. He’s a zombie. He’s yesterday’s bowl of Grape Nuts. [Expletive deleted], he’s gonna do what we tell him or spend the next eight years locked in his presidential library coloring-in the pictures.”
King: “President-elect Obama, you’ve said repeatedly that your administration will take a truly open and bipartisan approach. How many Republicans will you put in your cabinet?”
Obama: “Larry, it’s a little too early to say. But believe me, we’ll have ‘em!”
Emanuel: “Listen, you geriatric body part. Keep pressuring this man and we got guys to walk on you in golf shoes. We tell you how many Republicans once we’ve got their mechanical pencils wired to the electrical mains.”
King: “Seriously, what ranges of issues stand to benefit from Republican participation in the cabinet?”
Obama: “Larry, it’s not going to be easy to pass legislation rebuilding our infrastructure or priming the economic pump. We’ll need all the help we can get.”
Emanuel: “Boot-licking will be important. My hand-made shell cordovans need a good schpritz every morning, and I want those Republican momzerim down on both knees, with their tongues out. ON BOTH KNEES!! ARE YOU LISTENING, DONUT-HOLE??”
King: “Do you think that your remarkable dignity, couth and good manners will become characteristic of your new administration?”
Obama: “Well, I hope so, Larry. My grandma, Toot, used say that good manners costs nothing but makes both parties into better people.”
Emanuel: “WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS EFFLUENT?! So look, Handi-wipe, where do you come up with this uncouth crap? Like what kind of walking fertilizer implies that we ain’t dignified? My good mannered assistants could kick the living [expletive deleted] out of your good mannered assistants any day. GET IT?”
King: “Some people say that you and your chief of staff have rather different styles of working with people.”
Obama: “Well, Larry, for every ying there is a yang, and as the Good Book says, a time for every purpose under Heaven.”
Emanuel: “YING YANG MY TUCHES. LISTEN, KING, YOU [expletive deleted]! I’M GONNA WRITE THE [expletive deleted] QUESTIONS FROM NOW ON! OR YOU’RE GONNA BE THE [expletive deleted] WEATHER-MAN IN [expletive deleted] WASILLA, ALASKA!
King: “We’ll be right back after the break.”
S J Masty, a former Washington speechwriter, is an international communication consultant based in London.
