B) Venus Williams? record-breaking 127-mph serve prompted tournament officials to make sure she wasn?t Yannick Noah in drag.

C) The lack of trans fats in the new and improved fish-and-chips recipe.

D) Victoria “Posh” Beckham was overheard saying how fat she looked after “forcing down that poppy seed.”

2. In an interview with ESPN, Chad Johnson said, “I love everything about Cincinnati. It?s the perfect city.” The reason he so loves the Queen City:

A) Having the fanciest false teeth in town makes him feel like royalty.

B) He?s the city?s most beloved African-American since WKRP?s Venus Flytrap.

C) He is contractually obligated by Skyline Chili to speak well of the town since it sponsors all the crap that comes out of his mouth.

D) The nightlife in neighboring Covington, Ky., is second to none.

3. What will be the fallout from Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez shoving the team?s traveling secretary, Jack McCormick, for failing to secure his ticket request for a game in Houston?

A) The Orioles will issue a letter of apology to Red Sox fans.

B) He will be forced to wear pants that fit and donate his fake hair to mangy Komondors in the Boston area.

C) McCormick will be made to take a class in order to better understand the warning signs of travel anxiety.

D) The Red Sox will fire McCormick and replace him with Travelocity?s Roaming Gnome.

4. Why did Major League Soccer?s New York Red Bulls ? the team from the league?s largest market ? play Crystal Palace in the U.S. Open Cup last night at Broadneck High School?

A) So the stands looked full.

B) There was a tetherball tournament at UMBC.

C) Most fans thought Crystal Palace was the name of the establishment where Adam “don?t call me Pacman” Jones met most of his finest women.

D) Broadneck students sent in the best Red Bull and vodka recipe and, voalla,  the game was theirs.

5. Former Ravens receiver Randy Hymes has five touchdowns in two games for the AFL?s Cleveland Gladiators. The reason for his success:

A) He met Ravens cornerback Derrick Martin at Cleveland?s airport for some stuff that helped raise his game.

B) He spent the offseason soaking his hands in stool softener.

C) Gladiator quarterback Raymond Philyaw is way better than Kyle Boller.

D) The field is the size of Jonathan Ogden ? how hard can it be to score?

6. Since taking over as NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell has cracked down on player behavior and talked tough about rookie salaries being, “ridiculous.” His next order of business will be changing the rules so:

A) Any player who does the imaginary-pass-interference-flag-throwing-motion when no one touches him after he drops a pass will loose his hand via guillotine on the 50-yard line immediately following the play.

B) Any player who scowls at an official after a borderline call goes against him will be forced to meet with Jerry Jones? plastic surgeon for a facial readjustment.

C) A mandatory unsportsmanlike conduct penalty will be assessed for any end-zone celebration other than a handwritten congratulatory note transcribed on official NFL stationery.

D) Any coach who throws a red challenge flag within 10 feet of the referee will immediately report to the Orioles? bullpen.

Tony Giro is a lifelong Baltimore sports fan who blogs on examiner.com for fans. If you subscribe ? it?s free ? you?ll be e-mailed each time Tony posts a column. He can be reached at [email protected]. And yes, he?s still bitter about the Skipjacks and Bullets leaving town.