First, the earth moved briefly when the words “Bush administration” and “good job” came out of Barack Obama’s mouth in the same sentence. Apparently he’s finally inherited something he likes-stockpiles of Tamiflu and the infrastructure to deal with a pandemic. From now on, we’re calling this sucker H1N1 flu, not only because it totally rolls of the tongue, but because calling it “swine flu” is “not fair to Missouri’s hog farmers,” according to Sen. Claire McCaskill. The NYT turned into a beauty pageant judge. “What enchants you?” Obama obfuscated for 5 minutes before answering Jake Tapper’s question, but eventually and mercifully used just seven words to wrap things up: “I do believe that it is torture.” He also asserted that vital information for preventing terror attacks could have been gleaned from hard-boiled mass murderers through other means, the guidebooks for which are hidden in the sugarplum grove at the foot of the gumdrop tree in the Mythical Forest of Prosperity from which Obama’s domestic plans come. Convenient! Speaking of terror attacks and simulations thereof, the president declined to take his $21.5 million worth of prime-time TV coverage to say, “Hey, sorry for using Air Force One to re-create 9/11. Mix-up at the office.” No reporter in the room availed himself of the opportunity to ask Obama about the $329,000 terror attack run-through, surely figuring that it was totally worth it for the “investment” in lowering future health care costs by making New Yorkers sprint through the streets in gut-wrenching panic. Luckily, now that he’s president, momentary upticks in violence in Iraq don’t mean that the U.S. should run for the hills or that the nascent political system is on the verge of utter collapse.
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