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Just hours after Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder fired coach Jim Zorn, following a 4-12 season, an unnamed source in the team’s front office said, “The system worked.”
A second-year coach who led his squad to win 25 percent of the last 24 games, Zorn was escorted to his car by Redskins team security at 4:43 a.m. Monday.
Snyder has now successfully protected his franchise from seven unsuccessful coaches since 1999, which the source called “a testimony to the effectiveness of our system for screening out threats to our Super Bowl hopes.”
In 11 seasons, Snyder’s teams have also been kept safe from the dangers of the playoffs eight times, minimizing injuries to key players. He has also managed to snare the coveted first-round draft pick for 2010 as he builds toward that inevitable Super Bowl triumph.
Insiders say Snyder has ordered his staff to issue several reports on how well the system worked and to “recommend adjustments to make it even better.”
“Nothing’s more important to Dan Snyder than the appearance of his desire to win championships,” the unnamed source said. “Each time he fires a losing coach after several disastrous seasons, he demonstrates again his commitment to the system.”
The owner is now purportedly considering millions of dollars’ worth of additional screening measures to further protect the team.
Tactics under consideration include firing more assistant coaches, releasing players, janitors and pretzel vendors, and barring stadium admittance to certain season ticket holders.
“We know the system works,” the front office source added. “We can’t let a few bad apples spoil a perfectly good system.”
Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, the family-friendly news satire site.
