Like many people, I have had a crush on Barack Obama for a while now. Barack is charming, good-looking, funny, super smart — what responsible voter wouldn¹t fall for him? (Oh, and he¹s tall, too!)
Sure, I dallied with this girl Hillary for a bit, but in the end she just didn¹t do it for me.
There¹s something special about Barack. He¹s unlike any other man I¹ve ever met. He just might be the one. THE one. Isn¹t that wild?
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You know what else? Barack is crazy about me, too! He¹s been courting me for a long time now and things are pretty serious. I¹ve met his family – they seem like very nice, down-to-earth people. My friends and family have also met Barack — they really like him and say he¹s a great guy. This is comforting to hear, because I¹ve had my heart broken before.
Unfortunately, the time finally came to address the big C word. Commitment. Fish or cut bait. You know, or get off the pot. And this is when things got a little weird.
Don¹t get me wrong: I like Barack a lot. I officially made up my mind well before Election Day: He was the guy for me. But, seriously, he needed to relax a little bit.
To put it plainly: Barack just wouldn¹t leave me alone. He mailed me letters every single day. I¹m not kidding, every day! Monday I had to throw out, like, three of them. My friend — who is also sweet on Barack — said one of Barack¹s pals actually showed up at his door. I am not sure how I feel about that.
Barack was on TV, on the radio, even in video games! And get this: Barack appeared on primetime television for 30 minutes last week, professing his love for me in front of the entire country before the Phillies/Rays game. I appreciate the effort — but can I get a few minutes to myself to watch a few innings of baseball?
When Barack rejected campaign public financing, it hurt my feelings, but he said we¹d be more likely to be together in the end. I told him I understood. (And jeez do I see why now.) It looks like Barack may have been right. But was it all really necessary?
People who don¹t like Barack said not to trust to him. They said he¹s a player; they said he¹s bad news. I don¹t believe any of that. Barack¹s a good guy. He¹s was just trying too hard, and I think I know why.
It was his friends. No, not Jeremiah Wright and Bill Ayers; c¹mon, man, be real, those aren¹t his friends. I am talking about his most trusted buddies: his political handlers and the talking heads in the mainstream media.
They were giving him bad advice. They were filling his mind with silly thoughts.
”The people don¹t know you, Barack.” “You appear too aloof and distant,
Barack.” “The voters need to be able see you as president, Barack.”
No. Barack was trying too hard. He was over-thinking our relationship.
You know what Barack should have done? He should have kept all those fliers and passed on the TV spots. He should have cut down on the campaign spending. If Barack really loved me, REALLY loved me, he would have said, “Scott, I want to make you happy. Let me buy you and every other American a cheeseburger off the McDonalds Dollar Menu.” Then I would have known his heart was in the right place.
Here¹s all I am saying, Barack: I needed some space. But now that we¹re together, it¹s time to prove that you¹re Mr. Right. I voted for change, so you better not. I am glad you have been thinking about me — really I am — but I don¹t need you in my life every second of every day. Confidence is sexy. Who needs a clingy guy?
And just remember: When the prom rolls around, you better #$%^& call me.
Scott Fuller labors mostly in undeserved obscurity as an Examiner designer.
