What started as a bona fide movement aimed at truth, justice, and punitive measures toward sexual harassment and assault in the workplace has now culminated in a swarm of tell-alls and whining. Why? Feminism as a movement is so misguided but still vocal that it’s already turned a moment of opportunity for justice into a warped, confusing string of missives against men, dating, and sex.
Take the latest buzz, a piece in Babe about a date with comedian actor Aziz Ansari. It describes an excited woman, “Grace,” eager to get to know a famous, funny face. But as the date went on and turned to sexual activity back at his apartment, she’s somewhere between engaging — getting naked, participating — and uncomfortable at his aggressive, yet awkward, bumbling advances. It reads like a woman who desires emotional and physical connection and a man who wants to get laid and has watched enough porn to make up for his lack of prowess in bed. She ends up leaving upset, and the next day when Ansari texts her, she responds that she didn’t enjoy the date and he should have known that, given her nonverbal cues.
Some feminists are heralding the piece as another #MeToo account of sexual harassment by a predatory male, others, like myself, think it’s an awkward date night gone wrong and indicative of the results of the feminism women have been pushing for so long.
Why are so many people asking why this woman didn’t leave & so few asking why he didn’t stop?
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 16, 2018
Modern feminism has created a zero-sum game for both men and women. In the world of third-wave feminism, women not only don’t need men — that was accomplished in the 1960s — they don’t want them. Except when they do. And when they do want them, men should be exactly what they want: Whether a “bad boy” or a romantic-type, the onus is on men to let a woman be independent, strong, and equal. Until they engage in a relationship. Then he must please her, seduce her, romanticize her — and read her mind.
In this scenario, both men and women lose.
When the importance of gender roles is obfuscated, and men are told they are unnecessary and unimportant both in the workplace and relationships, only to be drawn back in when the desire for romance or sex arises, it’s unfair and unnatural. This is not to say equality in society and law isn’t important or that men should be the “dominant” sex at home and at work, but like “Grace” in this story, women cannot pine after a famous comedian, go willingly to his apartment and strip naked, and then later claim he didn’t seduce her like Adonis would have.
Women, too, bear some agency in sex and relationships: to be clear about boundaries, desires, what’s acceptable, and what’s not. She cannot drive her car everywhere else in her life — because that’s what modern feminism has told her needs to happen — and when it comes to dating, get in the backseat and wonder why her car crashes.
The Ansari story, while awkward, unfortunate, and cringe-worthy, isn’t a tale of sexual assault or even, frankly, harassment. It’s a story of a woman who wanted to be a feminist until she wanted a date, then she wanted to be on the set of “Mad Men,” except she didn’t end up with Don Draper, she ended up with Barney Fife.
To toss this story in with legitimate tales of sexual harassment and assault is to undermine true survivors and lump in an awkward wannabe Don Juan with aggressive perpetrators. Tales like this, that represent a feminist movement unsure of what it is and what a woman’s role is supposed to be now, only serve to derail what is otherwise a movement worthy of attention and justice.
Nicole Russell is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is a journalist in Washington, D.C., who previously worked in Republican politics in Minnesota. She was the 2010 recipient of the American Spectator’s Young Journalist Award.
If you would like to write an op-ed for the Washington Examiner, please read our guidelines on submissions here.
