That Barack Obama transformed America is without doubt; by just about any measure the country moved left during his tenure. Social permissiveness and political correctness ruled the day. But such heady progress is now in the distant past — thanks to one Donald J. Trump. How far down the progressive highway could it have gone? How close to the edge did we get? The answer: real far and real close. Just take a glance at these news reports from what could have been your future:
— Former Vice President Al Gore introduced the latest sequel to “An Inconvenient Truth” at the 2035 Sundance Film Festival. The new movie follows previous releases “An Inconvenient Sequel” (2017); “Inconvenient Blizzards Mean We’re in Real Trouble” (2022); “Sometimes Computer Models Can be Inconvenient” (2028); “I Think I Got it Right This Time” (2031); and his new release “I Should Have Stuck with Tipper on that Record Label Warning Gig.” On a somber note, Mr. Gore’s scheduled press conference was postponed when a Spring snowstorm grounded his private jet in Cancun, Mexico.
— The University of California at Berkley officially changed its name to “Che Guevara University” in honor of the slain Cuban revolutionary. School historian Abbie Hoffman noted that Guevara’s continuing popularity is reflected in a clothing line that has led the university’s retail sales for the past 53 years. Hoffman added, “This honor is long overdue. Although Colin Kaepernick’s ‘Oops, I fumbled the snap’ hoodies are hot right now, Che remains ‘the man’ on this campus. You could see the momentum building — first the football stadium was renamed ‘Nike / Ho Chi Min Field,’ then the basketball arena ‘Reebok / Angela Davis Field House’, next, the baseball complex became ‘Fidel’s Field,’ and who can forget our new undergraduate housing complex — ‘HUD / Sanctuary City.'” Newly elected University President Lois Lerner (recently released from the witness protection program) assured concerned alumni that the name change would not impact the school’s nonprofit status. “I know my way around the non-profit world — if you know what I mean,” noted Ms. Lerner.
— A disconsolate Lena Dunham returned to America today after an aborted stay in the workers’ paradise of Venezuela. The actress had been the lone Hollywood star to follow through on a promise to leave the country after President-for-Life Trump unilaterally suspended the 12th Amendment in 2023. “I know it’s supposed to be a socialist utopia, but that place is miserable. Limo service is choppy, the spas are nasty, and my local Starbucks ran out of Gingerbread Lattes at Christmas,” added Dunham. The progressive star will next look to make a new home in another workers’ paradise — North Korea. Miss Dunham expressed excitement at the prospect, but wondered if Kim Jong Un had included “Girls” on Pyongyang’s basic cable package.
— California Gov. Jerry Brown announced that his state’s marginal tax rate has now reached 100 percent. “Thank God we finally eclipsed Venezuela. It’s been quite a journey,” noted the eight-term executive. Shortly thereafter, the California Chamber of Commerce confirmed it had lost its last member, a fully automated Wendy’s located on the outskirts of San Jose — to Las Vegas, Nev. Brown was nonplussed by the Chamber’s news, noting that the California legislature had previously outlawed “immoral corporate profits” by raising the state minimum wage to $49 per hour.
— A beaming Eric Holder today formally assumed the presidency of a new Chicago-based community college dedicated to the art of “community organizing.” “ACORN COLLEGE” will be dedicated as a nuclear free zone and conveniently located next to several large, multi-national banks — “the better to practice demonstration techniques against profiteering money changers,” according to the school’s mission statement.
Course offerings to be taught by a variety of big name lecturers were also announced. Among the most popular: “Credit rating; what credit rating?” (Professors C. Dodd and B. Frank); “How to Shake Down a Small Business in 12 Easy Steps” (ACORN faculty); “Misunderstood: From Uncle Joe to Mao to Raul” (Professor E. Warren); “The Private Sector is WAY Overrated” (Professor B. Sanders); and “Who Needs Congress Anyway?” (guest lecturer, B. Obama).
But all was not peaceful on the ACORN campus after University Provost Madonna decided that photo IDs would henceforth be required of all students. In response, groups of protestors broke into Mr. Holder’s office chanting, “Not my president” and “You can’t make me — I’m illegal” until a “Sensitivity Ombudsman” from the campus “Trigger Warnings and Micro-Aggressions Enforcement Bureau” showed up to detain Ms. Madonna on charges of “insufficient empathy in a safe zone.” Fortunately, President Holder was able to negotiate the Provost’s freedom after agreeing to a series of student demands, including the imposition of an “unfair American privilege fee” on natural born students and designation of the school as a First Amendment Free Zone.
— The semi-autonomous territories of California and New York today announced their new constitutions to on-line customers at the 238,000 Starbucks locations in the twin venues. A new “a-la-carte” legal framework will allow each legislature to “pick and choose” the constitutional amendments they will recognize. 2046’s election results showed voters in the respective states accepting the 3rd through 8th, 11th, 13th, 16th, 19th and 24th Amendments. As expected, the law formerly known as “The 2nd Amendment” failed to garner even a single vote. In a mild surprise, the former “First Amendment” was voted down 59-41 percent, with entire college towns rejecting the concept of free speech as a violation of local speech codes. The “a-la-carte” process is said to date back 30 years, to a time when cities and states began to reject the concept of what was then known as “citizenship” through the adoption of so-called “sanctuary cities” — a now illegal “hate phrase” per President Warren’s newly issued “Forbidden Word” list.
Gov. Robert Ehrlich is a Washington Examiner columnist, partner at King & Spalding and author of three books, including the recently released Turning Point. He was governor of Maryland from 2003 – 2007.
