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With the federal government on full alert over the potential swine-flu pandemic, President Barack Obama said today that “Americans should not take this crisis as an opportunity to justify anti-swine attitudes or outright porcine abuse.”
“The vast majority of hogs are peace-loving, productive members of society,” the president said. “The biggest threat to the United States at this point is not that we might be overrun by a swine-based virus that indiscriminately murders its victims, but rather that we would allow a few diseased pigs to poison our hearts against the rest.”
The president has ordered Attorney General Eric Holder to draft Justice Department guidelines labeling violence against domesticated hogs has a “hate crime” punishable by 10-years-to-life in prison, on top of the customary sentence. Mr. Holder has also created a special investigative unit of the FBI to focus on anti-swine crime.
The president noted that America has faced great challenges in the past.
“This pandemic will be overcome the same way we triumphed over every other threat,” Obama said, “through dialogue with our enemies, reasonable restrictions on your Constitutional rights, and higher taxes on those whose unfettered greed has already made them the largest tax payers.”
Meanwhile, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) today unveiled a public relations plan to educate Americans about the contributions that hogs have made to our society.
“While men in general, and members of Congress in particular, have traditionally received credit for bringing home the bacon,” according to an unnamed HHS spokesman, “we all know who has made the real sacrifice.”
Washington Examiner columnist Scott Ott is editor-in-chief of ScrappleFace.com, the world’s leading family-friendly news satire source.
