They call today’s “Fantastic Four” sequel “The Rise of the Silver Surfer.”
And it’s true; a pokerfaced metallic alien who looks a lot like a giant Oscar statuette does ascend as antagonist in the new installment of Twentieth Century Fox’s live-action exploitation of Marvel Comics’ 46-year-old comic book series. But I could swear it was also my lunch that was coming up during a post-meal screening of it earlier this week.
As I prayed for the superpower that makes Pepto-Bismol magically appear, there was still plenty of time during “The Rise of the Critic’s Bile” to ponder why any studio would make a follow-up to such a lousy first film.
Mystifyingly, director Tim Story and co-writer Mark Frost were allowed to reprise their positions from 2005 as adaptors of Marvel man Stan Lee’s second-tier superheroes. So it’s not very mystifying that this one is marked by similarly banal dialogue, disengaging plotting, cheapy appointments and even more weakened action sequences. The original fantasy adventure feature was rated PG-13; this one’s a PG.
Another of the inherent limitations: The original ensemble returns as well.
These minor movie actors and basic cable TV stars again fail to project the larger-than-life personas or thespian energy necessary to elevate the genre’s cartoonish cliches. Unlike in the well-developed big-screen re-conceptualizations of Spider-Man and Batman in recent years, with passionate talents Tobey MacGuire and Christian Bale respectively, this un-Fab Four is a nondescript crew.
They include miscast Ioan Gruffudd (“Amazing Grace”) as the elastic-limbed smarty Mr. Fantastic aka Reed Richards; lippy fashion plate Jessica Alba as his betrothed The Invisible Girl aka Sue Storm; Chris Evans as her smart-alecky brother The Human Torch aka Johnny Storm; and Michael Chiklis of FX’s “The Shield” as the rock-encrusted Thing aka Ben Grimm.
Fox’s own FX network also supplies returning villain Victor Von Doom, as played by “Nip/Tuck’s” Julian McMahon.
Von Doom was supposedly dispensed with in 2005’s episode. But he’s back, and he’s in cahoots with the Silver Surfer (voiced by Laurence Fishburne and computer-animated by movement specialist Doug Jones). This expressionless flying dude does the bidding of a planet-destroying, inanimate entity called Galactus.
There’s nothing very approachable or even scary about these villains, though, which thwarts the element of dramatic conflict most essential in a comic book picture. Meanwhile, the pending End of the World serves as a meresubplot for the main characters. Why? Because that situation is causing heartburn for Sue and Reed, who can’t find time to get married or figure out a way to live with their famous superhero status.
In the midst of the “The Rise of the Silver Surfer,” the frustrated couple consider the idea of living a normal married life and breaking up the Fantastic Four. We should have been so lucky.
‘Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer’
1/5 stars
Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis
Director: Tim Story
Rated PG for sequences of action violence, some mild language and innuendo
