Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at [email protected] or click here.
Dear Ask Matt,
I’m troubled. Great to see socialism on the run and the kale-munching yogistas over at the DNC headquarters asking each other what “blue collar” means, but this whole Orange Fascism thing leaves me cold. Plus I look silly in black leather. What’s a freedom-loving politico of the right to do?
Signed,
Never Trump, Ret.
I’d probably think about politics less, constructive hobbies more. Most suburbs now have a vibrant Build-a-Bear-Workshop community. “Where best friends are made,” as the slogan says. You can fashion your own bear, imbuing it with whatever characteristics you want. For instance, I just made myself a new best friend: the Newt Gingrich bear. It’s round and lawn-gnomish, has a thick thatch of silver hair, and when you yank the pull-string on its back, it goes into a 20-minute rant questioning your courage for not selling out to the #MAGA® movement as hard as he has.
But there are other options, too. Since the election, I’ve stayed busy with a steady rotation of Etch-A-Sketching, Zumba, and making YouTube videos calling out people for Ice Bucket Challenges in order to clock their true commitment to Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis research now that fad-chasers have moved on to the Mannequin Challenge instead (because the internet makes people embarrassing). Also, I’m doing my own version of a cleanse: drinking only bourbon while taking antihistamines. Not only does it reduce inflammation, but it keeps you in a general state of grogginess so that reality never quite sets in. It’s good, and good for you.
Though as I’ve pointed out to many of my liberal friends—the guys and gals in my Ta-Nehisi Coates discussion group who have engaged in nonstop hand-wringing since the election of Newt’s orange crush—they can talk about the failed Trump presidency all they’d like. Though technically speaking, a guy has to take the oath of office as president before he can be labeled a failure as one.
They are horrified at everything Trump does: for not making enough administration appointments even if he’s well-ahead of schedule compared to his predecessors; for criticizing the cast of Hamilton for being a bunch of ill-mannered peckerheads (sorry, show-tunesters, they were); for promising to “drain the swamp,” then appointing a former Goldman Sachs raper’n’pillager as Treasury secretary. That last one struck me as the height of hypocrisy, as well. Though I recall little similar consternation when the Obama administration kept the Goldman revolving door perpetually spinning for both appointees and White House visitors. When Obama opens his presidential library in a place that most faithfully reflects his values (I vote for Tehran), Goldman should at least get the vampire-squid appetizer named after it at the beet-juice bar.
So settle down a little, progressives and knee-jerk critics. Trump isn’t actually president, yet. He’s a transitioning president. “Transitioning” being a favorite progressive word. Think of Trump as being in his Caitlyn Jenner cocoon. Right now, he’s still ugly-caterpillar Bruce, back when Bruce was known only for his bad plastic surgery and storing his huevos in Mama Kardashian’s purse. But soon, maybe, with a few miracles, he’ll be transformed into beautiful- butterfly Caitlyn, she of the tracheal shave and stylish, size 13 Manolo Blahnik’s. Who knows what will happen with Trump after he takes his oath on the Holy Bible? Or if he forgets his inaugural Bible at home after diligently studying his favorite book, Two Corinthians, maybe Obama could lend him a Holy Quran, instead. Whatever, they’ll work it out.
The point is, we should give the guy a break. For now, anyway. And here, Mr. Trump has been his own best example. Back during his Celebrity Apprentice days, did he fire Gary Busey, before Busey took the job, for being an incompetent, demented madman with no impulse control? No. He waited until Busey proved himself an incompetent, demented madman with no impulse control while on the job. Then he fired him.
So for the time being, let’s ease up a bit. As Paul wrote in Two Corinthians: “Put things in order, listen to my appeal, agree with one another, live in peace and the God of love and peace will be with you.”
Dear Matt,
I was sitting watching football, but with your picture on my computer screen. I had that sense….who does this look like? Then it hit me (no one else in the world would come up with this), but an early, unbearded Rick Danko (bass player for the best ensemble group ever, the Band). Sorry, no question.
Best,
Tom H.
I appreciate you admitting that you have no question. And I, in turn, will be honest, and admit that I have no real answers, which comes as small surprise to faithful readers of this column. I’m just relieved you didn’t say I looked like his bandmate Garth Hudson—not that there’s anything wrong with the mad genius. (At the rate I’m aging, I probably soon will.)
Don’t know if you’re right about my picture looking like Danko’s—most readers seem to think I just look slightly constipated. But I do know you’re right about one thing: The Band was the best multi-threat ensemble ever. And the late, great Danko was one of my very favorites. Which is why I published your non-question. So I have an excuse to force Band/Danko videos down reader’s gullets, which they should be watching anyway, just for their own spiritual edification.
In a long-ago review of the old-timey gospel box Goodbye, Babylon, I did an extended riff on the beauty of secular artists singing the Lord’s music. Using, as my prime example, a scene from The Last Waltz, the Band’s Martin Scorsese-directed farewell concert film, when the Band did an impromptu version of “Old-Time Religion.” An excerpt:
So without further adieu, here’s the song I’m speaking of:
And for good measure, two more Danko lead-vocal efforts to play us out.
“Unfaithful Servant”
“It Makes No Difference”
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at [email protected] or click here.
