I rarely, if ever, pitch any of my books in the articles I write. But I’m making an exception this time since it would be foolish to address this new research without offering a solution. As it happens, I’ve spent the last several years creating a remedy to the very problem this study addresses.
According to a longitudinal study published this week (in which more than 7,000 mothers and their biological children were studied beginning in 1979) children tend to follow their mother’s example when it comes to their romantic relationships. Whatever choices and behaviors a mother exhibits in her love life, her children will likely exhibit as well.
This “intergenerational transmission of partnering,” the study’s authors write, is evident even in the number of marriages and cohabiting partners adult offspring have. If their mothers moved from partner to partner, the adult offspring followed suit.
I’ve written a great deal about how divorce begets divorce, that how the people around us fare in love matters. But we spend far less time (if any) addressing what children glean from their parents about relationships — even if the parents stay together. This new research may be the first.
There are, of course, plenty of adults who make better choices for themselves than their parents did. But there’s no getting around the fact that what we do as parents matters a lot.
Apparently, this is especially true of mothers.
The study looked at three variables related to how relationship patterns are transmitted from mother to child: the transmission of economic hardship, the transmission of marriageable characteristics and relationship skills, and the transmission of relationship commitment.
“We found that partnering was transmitted across generations in our sample of mothers and their young adult offspring, even after accounting for prospective measures of economic instability,” write the authors. “Our findings suggest that the most plausible reason underlying the transmission of choice in partners is the transmission of poor marriage and relationship skills [emphasis mine], which can include but are not limited to conflict resolution skills, personality, and mental health.”
What that means is that even if your mother suffered in love or didn’t know how to be a good wife, you’re not doomed to repeat her mistakes — if, and that’s a big if, you unlearn whatever she taught you.
“Poor marriageable characteristics, such as personality traits, may actually be malleable; and the clinical psychological literature consistently shows that relationship skills can be improved.” Indeed they can, which is where my latest book, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage, comes into play. If you’re a woman who was raised by a mother who was unable to find lasting love or unable to demonstrate what love looks like, this new data simply says it’s more likely you’ll repeat your mother’s mistakes—not that you definitely will repeat them. However, to be in the latter group, you must take action.
Relationship skills can be learned, and personalities can be tweaked. You have the power to change your relationship anytime you want by learning skills your mother never did. You can break the cycle and pass on to your children the most important thing you can teach them: how to love.
In fact, that’s the subtitle of my book: How Love Works. And because there’s no better way to convey its contents than to share them, here are the first 26 pages.
At the end of the day, we can’t deny that a person’s relationship skills (or lack thereof) are tied to what he or she absorbed early on in their homes. If those skills were positive and helpful, consider yourself blessed. If they were not, your journey will be more difficult.
But, to repeat: “Poor marriageable characteristics, such as personality traits, may actually be malleable; and the clinical psychological literature consistently shows that relationship skills can be improved.”
Which means that, in the end, it’s up to you.
Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is a contributor to the Washington Examiner’s Beltway Confidential blog. She is an author, speaker, and cultural critic known as “The Feminist Fixer.” She has authored several books to help women win with men in life and in love. Her most recent, The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage, was published in February 2017. Suzanne’s website is www.suzannevenker.com.
