One thing that everyone ought to be able to agree on about the Olive Garden and its 844 chain-Italian restaurants is that the food there is pretty cheap (“value-oriented” is the favored way of describing the cuisine). Another thing that almost everyone ought to be able to agree on is that is that Olive Garden’s parent corporation’s in-house legal department is also pretty cheap.
For one thing, it appears that no actual lawyer had a hand in—much less signed—a cease-and-desist email that went out from Olive Garden to Vincent “Vino” Malone, a 29-year-old Californian whose blog, All of Garden, chronicles his efforts to eat—and review—every single pasta dish on the Olive Garden menu, taking advantage of the chain’s “Never Ending Pasta Pass.”
Offered every fall for $100, the Pasta Pass allows customers unlimited servings of “Pasta, Sauce, and Toppings” at Olive Garden for seven weeks in a row. So Malone for the past few years has used the pass to eat nearly every single lunch and dinner there—plus every single variation on the pasta—treating co-workers and dates as well. His blog features reviews and photos of the various combinations he’s tried. Such as the Angel Hair with Five Cheese Marinara topped with Grilled Chicken, or the Papardelle with Garlic Asiago Alfredo topped with Meatballs, or the Tri-Color Vegetable Penne with Chicken Pomidoro topped with Italian Sausage. While All of Garden does feature a “Hall of Fame” featuring Malone’s favorite combos (he likes the Fettucine with Meat Sauce topped with Chicken Fritta), there is also his “Rime of the Ancient Marinara” and such comments as these:
Some people climb Everest and feel no sense of accomplishment or relief, but only the thirst for a greater challenge, one that may not exist, and the quest for which will ultimately destroy them. These people look upon the five separate cheeses in the Five Cheese Marinara and know that their destiny awaits them with the judicious application of a sixth cheese, hand-grated by a waiter with a permanent expression of horror frozen on their face.
and:
Olive Garden’s pasta is cooked exactly to specification, without fail. When you’re a chain restaurant that serves millions of people, you can’t leave such things to chance, or the capricious whims of a chef. So when people complain about the food being over- or under-cooked, I usually look upon them with suspicion…. That said, I think most pasta connoisseurs would agree that Olive Garden’s food is cooked beyond the point of al dente (italian for “to the tooth”, meaning firm when bitten). My assumption is that this level of cooking was found to be the most palatable to the target demographic of the restaurant.
Perhaps that “al dente” remark got under the skin of someone at the Orlando, Fla.-based Darden Corp., which runs Olive Garden and a bunch of other theme-restaurant chains—or perhaps not.
Darden’s email came from this address: [email protected]. It informed him: “[T]he trademark ‘Olive Garden’ appears as a metatag, keyword, visible or hidden text on the website(s) located at the below listed URL(s) without having obtained prior written authorization from Darden Corporation.” The email demanded that “ you respond to this e-mail within ten (10) days, informing us that you have removed all metatags, keywords, visible or hidden texts including trademark(s) presently appearing on the above-cited website(s) and any other website(s), or draw this issue to the attention of the appropriate person(s). Malone remove “all metatags, keywords, visible or hidden texts including trademark(s) presently appearing on the above-cited website(s).” Malone responded with an email worth quoting in its entirety:
Mr. Forcements — may I call you Branden? Since this an asynchronous mode of communication, I’m going to assume you are magnanimously acquiescing, and I will refer to you as Branden forthwith — I received your email yesterday.
I am not aware of any law against reviewing food and describing it using the name of the company from which it was procured. Some might even call it Nominative Fair Use. I have helpfully included a link to Wikipedia™, The Free Encyclopedia™, for more information on this concept, in case you are new. Just click on the blue words to access the HyperLink™, and you will be transported there in great haste.
With that in mind, can you be more specific about what you would like me to do? If you want me to remove references to the Olive Garden from my blog, which, I remind you, solely consists of references to Olive Garden, I’m afraid I must decline.
If you are asking me to simply add TradeMark® Symbols™ I must also decline, as I do not know the alt keycode for writing them.
Perhaps you are asking me to take down my blog entirely. In doing so, Darden Corporation would commit its largest crime against humanity since they started charging extra for toppings. Seriously, $2.99 for two lousy meatballs? And you’re saying I ripped you off?
Please respond within nine (9) days, in limerick form.
Wishing the whole Forcements family a pleasant day…
After Bloomberg News got wind of the story, possibly via the limericks ridiculing Darden that swiftly began flooding the internet, a Darden spokeswoman informed Bloomberg that “[T]he letter to Malone was auto-generated, and the company will take no further action.”
Over the years Olive Garden and its kitschy “Tuscan” décor have been reliable staples of foodie disdain. This bit of mockery from a U.K. Guardian reporter who ventured into an Olive Garden in darkest Alabama in 2002 may be typical: “[E]veryone ordering scaloppine marsala anywhere in this vast continent will receive the same perfectly decent cut of veal served in a subtle mixture of malt vinegar and sump oil.”
Perhaps the derision is warranted. “Toppings” on pasta? I’ve never been to an Olive Garden in my life myself, but I have these two thoughts: 1) They serve wine, don’t they, so how bad could they be? and: 2) If in doubt about the al dente texture of the pasta, order the ravioli, which isn’t meant to be served al dente. (This rule applies in spades to the numerous mediocre Italian restaurants in the Guardian’s home country.)
And I also have this to say to Darden: You can be as “value-oriented” as you like when it comes to food, but maybe you ought to pay a few extra bucks to a live lawyer to look at your documents before you send them out—if you’d rather not be the butt of limericks.
