Your essay guidelines say I should write about an aspect of my character that makes me unique, an experience that changed my life, or a topic in current events.
After reviewing my character and life experiences, which mainly involve playing “World of Warcraft,” I have chosen current events.
So on to my topic: Was Jesus married? Despite the fact that Jesus lived a really long time ago, this has been in the news and so qualifies as a current event (I think).
I got my idea from “The Da Vinci Code” (the movie, not the book). I want to point this out so you don?t think I?m plagiarizing stuff like that girl at Harvard. I didn?t even apply to Harvard, not just because of my SATs but also I?m the kind of person that likes to stick with my own ideas, even when other people have better ones.
So, was Jesus married? A lot of people think you can tell from the “Mona Lisa,” which some people think is Da Vinci?s girlfriend andothers think is Da Vinci dressed as a woman. I?m not sure what that has to do with Jesus, but it was on the cover of “The Da Vinci Code” (the book). A lot of people also believe “The Last Supper” shows Jesus as married because of the seating arrangements. My sister got married last summer, and at weddings, I can tell you, seating arrangements are a big deal. Just ask my Uncle John, who is still not speaking to my mother.
I don?t really know if Da Vinci?s paintings prove Jesus was married, because I had a huge Coke at the beginning of the movie and had to leave during that part. My friend Todd Vranick, who only had popcorn and saw the whole thing, said he didn?t really get it. You might want to think about that if Todd is applying to your college and it comes down to between him and me.
So let?s leave the world of art and go on to the Bible. I have not read the whole Bible, because it?s really long, but I skimmed all the Jesus parts and they don?t say anything about him being married. Lots of experts think this proves Jesus was single and are pretty hot about the movie, which they see as a huge dis to Christianity. That?s kind of weird because Christianity is totally big on marriage, especially if you ever plan on having sex.
I have another idea. All the disciples and apostles in the Bible are dudes. They are kind of like a sports team with Jesus as captain. I have been on lots of teams (unlike Todd, something else you might want to consider) and when you are playing a team like the Romans, you are not going to be talking about whether or not your captain has a girlfriend.
Also, and I mean no disrespect, Mary Magdalene (who is the girl Jesus was supposed to have married, if you believe he was married) had kind of a bad reputation. Mary, meaning Jesus? mom, being a virgin and all, would have been very sensitive to that. She might have said, like, “Don?t you write down in that book that my son was seeing that girl!” And the apostles would have listened to her, because a friend?s mom is almost like your own mom and she can really break bad on you if you tick her off.
So, to summarize: Lots of people think Jesus was married because of “The Da Vinci Code,” but lots of people think he wasn?t because of the Bible. I think we need to think about this more, which I would be happy to do if you let me into your college. Otherwise I will have to take a job at Best Buy, which will cut into my thinking time, as well as my experiences and character.
In conclusion, I would like to add that Todd Vranick picks his nose while playing “World of Warcraft.” You might want to think about that.
Melanie Howard is a freelance writer living in Virginia and a National Magazine Award finalist published in Glamour, SELF, CHILD, Seventeen, Family Circle and other national magazines. Her columns also run regularly in the Waterbury, Conn., Republican-American and have been published in the Alexandria Times. She can be reached at [email protected].
