My 15-year-old children were laughing in the car as they recounted the conversation they each just had with their pediatrician during an annual wellness visit. The doctor had asked them how they “identify” and prodded my daughter to offer her “pronouns.” She also suggested to my son that his school’s failure to discuss gender identity should cause him to consider switching to
another school.
I called
the doctor’s office
minutes later to express myself. “I am wondering if you are mandated by the state to ask about gender identity or pronouns?” I asked. The pediatrician told me there is no mandate, but there is a “push” at her practice to talk to children about these topics. She didn’t reveal who was doing the “pushing.”
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“Great,” I replied, relieved to hear there was no mandate, but deflated to realize our doctor had done this voluntarily. “If you aren’t mandated to do so, then I am asking you not to speak to my children about this subject again,” I said.
I thought that would be the end of the conversation, as I am the parent, and she isn’t. But it wasn’t.
She proceeded to tell me that her office acts as a “safe space” for children to talk about difficult issues. Startled, I pointed out that my husband and I were our children’s “safe space.” She was a physician they see once or twice a year. My children don’t even know her first name. Again, I asked her not to raise the subject with them going forward, explaining that she was promoting an
ideology
with which my family does not agree.
The doctor persisted. She explained that children feel pressured to make decisions about their gender identity, and it is helpful to have conversations with people they trust. I wondered if she had yet grasped that she was no longer someone I trusted.
“To be perfectly clear,” I said to her, “I am their mother, and I am telling you that I do not want you to talk about this with my children again. I don’t believe gender is an identity. We do not offer our ‘pronouns.’ Our family does not participate in this. I am telling you to stop.”
Finally she relented, simply saying, “OK,” in a way that suggests she thought it wasn’t. Those two syllables were dripping with righteous indignation. Perhaps she will read this and hear mine.
That responsible people in positions of authority can’t control the impulse to expand their domain of authority beyond the boundaries of their field of expertise and show respect for others is not just a political offense — it is a human one. Our pediatrician had neither the humility nor the self-awareness to recognize her outrageous entitlement or overreach, no matter how “just” she thought her cause was. Her judgment is off, and I need to believe that my children’s doctor has good judgment.
I have instructed my children not to answer her if she asks them questions like this in the future. But the truth is, they won’t have to worry about having that awkward moment with her. I am already looking for a new pediatrician.
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Rebecca Sugar is a writer living in New York. Her column, The Cocktail Party Contrarian, appears every other Friday in the New York Sun.
