Like Paul Newman’s chain gang in Cool Hand Luke, Starbucks is suffering from a failure to communicate. First, of course, was the Philadelphia branch manager who had two African-American men arrested on the grounds they were loitering (they weren’t). Then, in a burst of enthusiasm and contrition, the company’s executive chairman, Howard Schultz, announced that from now on all Starbucks bathrooms would be open to everyone, even if they haven’t paid for a Frappuccino or some other sugar bomb.
“[W]e’re going to make the right decision 100 percent of the time and give people the key,” Schultz said at a gathering in Washington, D.C., according to NPR. “Because we don’t want anyone at Starbucks to feel as if we are not giving access to the bathroom because you are ‘less than.’ We want you to be ‘more than.’ ”
More than what, you ask? See, that’s why you’re not a Starbucks executive chairman.
It transpired, however, that Schultz didn’t know either. Our modern agora, Twitter, erupted at his announcement. From what we could tell, a majority of the tweeters seemed worried that Schultz’s lavatorial egalitarianism would make their local coffeehouse a hamlet for the homeless and/or drug users. The reason for such policies in the first place—the reason you can buy premade signs bearing the words “restrooms for paying customers only”—is that otherwise they become meeting spots for drug purchases and other unsavory activities. “Starbucks’ new bathroom policy offers conclusive proof that Starbucks executives never use them,” wrote one unhappy, and highly perceptive, customer.
Starbucks flacks rushed to “clarify” the new policy. (“Clarify” is their word for “change.”) They told the Wall Street Journal that “employees now have detailed instructions on what to do if someone is behaving in a disruptive manner, such as smoking, using drugs or alcohol, using restrooms improperly or sleeping.”
Unfortunately, the new policy is about as clear as latte. What’s “disruptive,” for instance? The poor baristas are back where they started, back where they were before that hapless store manager called the cops in Philadelphia. Our advice: If you can’t decide whether a nonpaying customer’s sleep is disruptive enough to give him the boot, just call Howard Schultz, preferably late at night. The new bathroom policy was his idea, after all. We’re sure he’ll be “more than” happy to help.
