Would you date someone who disagreed with your political views? You may be in the slim majority: 39% of people say they’re “not willing” or “not very willing” to do so.
“Not very willing” seems murky. Does the person have to be especially good-looking to make up for the political shortcomings? Super rich? Either way, the stats aren’t great for interpolitical relationships. A YouGov poll from last summer revealed that “almost half (48%) of Republicans say they would be willing to date someone with different political views, while fewer (40%) Democrats say the same.”
So it’s not surprising to see this dynamic reflected in television. The Bold Type, a millennial Sex in the City-type show about three friends working in media in New York City, has addressed various political issues throughout its five-season run. From gun control to abortion, The Bold Type has used hot-button topics of the day to fight the perception that it’s just a feel-good but unrealistic depiction of the media landscape. These girls are living their best millennial lives and learning liberal life lessons along the way.
So it came as a surprise to some viewers when, in season four, fireball Kat finds that she has eyes for Eva, “a conservative lawyer and talking head,” who Kat is surprised to learn is also a lesbian. “I am a Republican woman who is not defined by my sexuality,” Eva explains, “because sexuality is not a personality trait.”
Eva believes in terrible things such as the importance of legal representation, “hard-line immigration” (whatever that means), and the dangers of universal healthcare. To round out Eva’s cliche of a conservative, she is a lawyer for the Keystone XL pipeline.
Before they begin developing a relationship, Eva worries that Kat isn’t someone “who can fairly engage with conservatives.”
In the end, she is proved right.
“If we’re ever going to heal as a nation, what we need is a meaningful discourse,” Eva tells Kat at one point. It seems banal, but it’s true, and it’s the sort of thesis statement for the relationship that builds between them.
Eva also argues that she and Kat “want the same things,” meaning that they want the world to be a better place. She respects Kat because even though Eva calls her a “feminist socialist activist,” she also understands that Kat’s intentions are good.
While they do touch on topics that both conservatives and those on the Left can agree on, albeit for different reasons, such as the limits of identity politics, these things eventually fade as the show falls back on a reductive dynamic of good versus evil.
When these episodes first aired, viewer backlash was so severe that the show actually changed the season finale to include Kat unceremoniously dumping Eva after they hook up. “The Bold Type Embraced Its Worst Self This Season,” said an article in Vulture, calling the plotline “regressive.” Aisha Dee, the actress who plays Kat, even complained. “The decision to have Kat enter into a relationship with a privileged conservative woman felt confusing and out of character,” she wrote in an Instagram post.
Season five, which is now airing, finds Kat confronting Eva about why their relationship ended, wrapping this “problematic” storyline in a partisan bow.
“After we slept together, I really didn’t like myself,” she tells Eva. “And it’s not just that we see the world differently. It’s the things you believe in, the things that you work to protect, like those things hurt people like me. And as much as I tried to convince myself that maybe it doesn’t matter, it actually matters a lot.”
Her criticism is that this isn’t about “differing opinions” but about fundamental principles of right and wrong: If you oppose universal healthcare, it means you hate poor and marginalized people. So while Eva thinks she and Kat still want to make the world a better place, Kat is not interested in exploring Eva’s intentions, only in quickly distancing herself from the woman her friend has dubbed “toxic.”
“I want to be proud of who I’m sleeping with,” Kat concludes, and with that zinger, she leaves Eva, presumably so she can find someone who unquestioningly supports all of her beliefs.
As silly as this plotline is, it does seem to reflect an accurate trend, according to polling. Many people are reluctant to sleep with “the enemy.” But what if our counterparts across the aisle aren’t the enemy after all?
A couple of years ago, I talked to Jeanne Safer, author of I Love You, but I Hate Your Politics: How to Protect Your Intimate Relationships in a Poisonous Partisan World. She’s a liberal who has been married to a conservative for some 40 years, so she knows a thing or two about developing relationships across political divides.
“The thing that I discovered that was the most important mistake that people make — can’t even say it’s a mistake; it’s an attitude — is that we go into these fights with the agenda of changing the other person’s mind to feel like we do,” she said. “Even if they disagree profoundly with you, they can have reasons that are moral reasons for their positions.” (Emphasis added.)
This is huge. There are liberals who support universal healthcare because they think it’s the best way to get the most people the care they need. There are conservatives who oppose it because they think the opposite. Of course, there are bad actors on either side — those who parrot the opinions of their parties without caring who will be affected by various public policies. They just want to “own the libs” (or “own the cons”).
The problem is that many people don’t seem to be able to recognize this distinction. When you wonder whether you can be friends with or date someone of different political views, ask yourself: Where do these beliefs come from? A place of love, or somewhere else?
You may never see eye to eye with your liberal or conservative friends on gun control, abortion, or other polarizing topics. But before cutting them out of your life, ask them why they believe what they do. You might be surprised.
