Five Rules for a Royal Bride

Dear Princess Meg of California,

Welcome to Britland! As one of your grandmother-in-law’s pleb subjects, may I offer servile congratulations on bagging Prince Harry. Allow me also to offer some advice on this joyous and taxpayer-funded occasion. You will be surrounded by advisers at Buck House, but history and The Crown suggest that you should ignore them. They are posh halfwits. I, on the other hand, am common as muck. I may know nothing about protocol, but I am a living embodiment of the partiality and pettiness of the British public.