An item in the press recently caught the attention of our friend and colleague P. J. O’Rourke, who emailed to Scrapbook HQ his always amusing reaction. The offending item was this, from the Washington Post:
“Waitrose,” P. J. writes, “can only be commended for terminating William Sitwell’s employment. As an avid outdoorsman who has for many years enjoyed fishing, hunting, upland shooting, and other such activities, I find Sitwell’s comments to be deeply offensive.
“First, there is his cavalier attitude toward conservationism. Sitwell seems to be implying that vegans should be made extinct. It is the first responsibility of every hunter to preserve—indeed to propagate—the species and to conserve its habitat as well. It is imperative that vegans should thrive. We must ensure, by law if necessary—and certainly, one hopes, with the enthusiastic cooperation of victualling firms such as Waitrose—that the bland, dull vegetation upon which vegans feed is sufficiently nutritious. And the unprepossessing environs where vegans seek shelter and make their dens, those seeming wastelands that are so vulnerable to gentrification and other forms of commercial exploitation, must be safeguarded by strict zoning regulations. Population levels need to be sustained. Firm limits have to be imposed on the vegan cull, with only males past breeding age to be taken. Too little is currently known about vegan wildlife biology. The subject requires study. For example, ‘Can they be bred in captivity?’ We do not know.
“Second, Sitwell is manifestly unsportsmanlike. He proposes to trap vegans. It’s a cruel practice under the best of circumstances. The more so for a quarry that can be so easily lured into any snare with sugary treats. A mere line of traps! Where is the brilliant dog work, the brave horsemanship, the skill of the cast, or the fine art of gunning in such a thing as that? Where the joys of the chase for pursuer or pursued?
“Third, and most ‘distasteful,’ as it were, is Sitwell’s plan to force-feed meat to vegans. It is a well-known principle to anyone who is serious about the culinary preparation of game: ‘Creatures that lust after flesh are a shame at the table.’ There are exceptions for certain omnivores, such as the bear, the meat of which can make a delicious stew if properly marinated. And shark fin is very good. But the general rule surely holds true in the case of vegans. They are far too lean already and a diet of animal protein would make them only more stringy, tough, and hard to digest. Rather, I would suggest field corn and other starchy feed to improve the marbling of the meat.
“All right-thinking people should roundly condemn William Sitwell and applaud the proprietors of Waitrose for ending his untoward editorship of a food magazine.”
