My family and I just got back from Disney World, and we had so much fun I was never once tempted to commit cultural commentary. But the guidebook I read beforehand was so odd I can’t help it. There are over 2.5 million copies of The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World in print (published by MacMillan). Its central message is that going to Orlando is a bit like going to Bataan for the Death March.
For example, the book quotes a mother visiting from Dayton, Ohio, with her 5-year-old: “The first day we went to [the Magic Kingdom] and it was packed. By 11 in the morning we had walked so far and stood in so many lines that we were all exhausted. Kristy cried about going on anything that looked or even sounded scary and was frightened by all the Disney characters (they are so big) except Minnie and Snow White.”
The woman goes on to report that she and her family couldn’t get lunch because the restaurants were all full. They grew hot and tired. “Kristy insisted on being carried and we had 50 fights about not going on rides where the lines were too long. At the end, we were so P.O.’d and uncomfortable that we weren’t having any fun.” The author of the guidebook, Bob Sehlinger, then adds, “Before you stiffen in denial, let me assure you that the Ohio’s family’s experience is fairly typical” for people with kids.
What’s more, even if you can endure the long waits for rides, the book suggests, your misery may be just beginning. Sehlinger prints several accounts of the Magic Kingdom ride called Alien Encounter. One has a kid vomiting out of fear. Another has kids sobbing uncontrollably.
To help his readers bypass or survive these and other horrors, Sehlinger has packed his 742-page tome with strategies and advice. He is particularly exercised by crowds. Sehlinger approaches lines with the sort of grim obsessiveness that Captain Ahab brought to his confrontation with the big white whale.
Sehlinger suggests that you first get inside the mind of the crowd. Then you must estimate line speed. This requires an assessment of each attraction’s “per-ride capacity.” You must also discover which attractions are “interval loaders” (like Space Mountain) and which are “continuous loaders” (like the Haunted House). You must break down the “cycle time” of each ride into “ride time” and “load time.”
Another rule to remember is, arrive early. On big days, the book suggests arriving at the park an hour and 20 minutes before opening. That’s usually 7:40 A.M., which means getting the kids up for breakfast just after 6.
Finally, follow Sehlinger’s itineraries. He and his team of researchers have conducted rigorous scientific experiments to maximize your attraction-per-hour productivity, and if you follow the recommended routes, he says, you will be up to 40 percent more efficient than if you just walked around the park following your whims.
Here’s a sample of a Magic Kingdom touring plan:
Proceed through the turnstiles and have one person go to City Hall for a guidemap. . . . Regroup and move quickly down Main Street to the central hub. . . . When the rope barrier is dropped at opening time, jog through The Plaza Pavilion and on to Alien Encounter. Starting at The Plaza Pavilion entrance will give you a 50 yard advantage over anyone coming from the central hub. Experience Alien Encounter. . . . Exit Alien Encounter, turn left and hurry to Space Mountain. Ride. Leave Tomorrowland via the central hub and enter Liberty Square. . . . Exit Pirates [of the Caribbean] to the left and proceed to the Frontier-land railroad station. Ride the train to Mickey’s Toontown Fair. Quickly tour the Fair, exiting via walkway to Tomorrowland.
Early in the book there is a letter from a woman who ended up in a hospital emergency room because she tried to follow Sehlinger’s touring plans. She began to shake and quiver. She was suffering from “excessive itinerary” and had to be sedated.
I’m sure most readers have the same response I did to Sehlinger’s book: It’s crazy. Unfortunately, I can’t totally dismiss it, because in my family I’m the one who wants to cram as much as possible into vacation days (my wife has this odd taste for relaxation).
So it was in my interest to glean any wisdom I could from the Unofficial Guide. I quickly found you can boil it down into three points.
First, take the kids out of school and go to Disney World off season. There are few lines, so most of the detailed advice becomes extraneous. Second, go early in the morning and then again in the evening, and spend the hot middle of the day swimming at your hotel. Third, don’t bother trying to visit the new Animal Kingdom, because you can’t see any animals there.
I’ve just saved you 741 pages.
DAVID BROOKS
