The District of Columbia has a terribly low self-esteem, God knows, and its sports teams do seem to have had a bit of rum luck. But even if you’re not one of the 16 Americans who care about hockey, there are still some compelling reasons to root against the Capitals in this year’s Stanley Cup Final. (Washington leads the seven-game series, three games to one.)
For starters, riding on D.C.’s stricken Metro system is a dicey proposition under the best circumstances. (I’ve often argued that Metro should play to its strengths and rebrand as an assisted suicide agency. “Metro—When It’s Your Time To Go.”) Having to share this already white-knuckle ride with puffy, red-faced Virginians in their “Ovi” sweaters does nothing for one’s stress levels.
That’s not the limit of things, though. There’s nothing like a winning team to remind us just how horribly managed this city is. Sticking with Metro, the train system routinely takes its begging bowl to corporate donors just to stay open for late games. Always willing to innovate in the field of civic humiliation, this year Metro shook down the fragrant princes of Qatar for a $100,000 donation during a playoff game. (“Something very late Roman republic,” noted David Frum—a native Canadian who has determined to play Livy to our decline—in a tweet about the affair, “about client states underwriting sporting events for cash-strapped imperial metropole.”)
A winning team brings out the worst of our local politicians. Local Councilman Jack Evans, D-Ward 2, a corporate welfare maestro who has clung like a barnacle to City Hall since the 1990s, made sure to have himself photographed at one of the Capitals games with his colleagues. Evans, a longtime partner at Patton Boggs who is now partner at a firm with at least two City Hall lobbyists, has never met a taxpayer-subsidized stadium deal he doesn’t like. He also “represents” the District on Metro’s board of directors. Some people occasionally whisper about Evans’ “conflicts of interest.” This is very unfair: Evans’ interests are never in conflict. Meanwhile, he still hasn’t answered the question put to him after he tweeted that picture of himself and his colleagues at the Caps game: Who paid for the tickets?
Then there’s Alexander Ovechkin, the Caps’ best player. He is a man of enormous talent—he looks like a Panzer tank on skates. He has long offended my hockey sensibilities (the man’s back-check and board-work are criminal) but there is a deeper offense. Ovechkin is one of Vladimir Putin’s most visible and most fawning lickspittles.
This alone should be reason to root against the Capitals: The winning team traditionally is invited to the White House, and Putin has enough agents there already.
Black Washingtonians sometimes refer to D.C. as “a colony.” They mean a slave colony. This isn’t quite right. D.C. is a colony, but more like British Hong Kong in the 1850s: The Raj (federal Washington) doesn’t much care what the mandarins do to us natives, as long as the opium gets off the docks. It’s unfortunate that it takes a winning team to underline the extent to which Washington is chasing the dragon, and how much we’re all losing for it.
Bill Myers lives and works in Washington, D.C. He roots for the Chicago Blackhawks.
