A sinkhole outside a Pittsburgh-area tanning salon has opened up to Red Alert Politics in an exclusive interview, saying its reason for coming into being was “an act of protest” that had been “bubbling up” since the implementation of a punitive Obamacare tax in 2010.
The earthly orifice, who referred to itself as Bill Cowher, appeared in the parking lot of a Hollywood Tans yesterday after a runoff pipe reportedly collapsed amid heavy rains. The 50 x 20-foot opening in the Earth’s surface said that the story was just a “typical” cover to mislead media.
“I came here to do two things, and that’s look pretty in front the cameras, and call attention to an arbitrary sales tax that punishes tanning bed users and businesses,” Cowher said. “The media covered Occupy Wall Street like the great moral crusade of our time, but Occupy Tanning Salon is just this story of, ‘Oh, look at this jagoff eating cars and causing problems.’ Really? That’s my legacy? Gitdahellaht.”
Cowher swallowed a 2002 Saturn after arriving, which one local likened to “showing up at a Super Bowl party and eating the grill before even saying ‘Hi.’ ” Cowher just called it an “accident.”
“I thought it might have been a Primanti’s. Fact of the matter is I can’t see anything down here.”
Local reports indicated that the driver of the Saturn was unhurt after escaping through the passenger’s side window. The vehicle was lifted out Tuesday night.
The target of Cowher’s ire is a 10-percent sales tax on tanning salon goers, which is supposed to be collected by businesses and remitted to the federal government. The IRS ruled in 2013 that the tax applied only to “taxable indoor tanning services,” and that “qualified physical fitness facilities” offering tanning services at no additional cost are exempt.
The tax, which took effect soon after Obamacare was signed into law, generated a fuss alongside dozens of other Obamacare provisions for which the IRS is responsible. But it largely has been a novelty — a pop-culture punchline that invokes Snooki and generates far less revenue than the government predicted. The possibilities for that vary: a lack of compliance, businesses shuttering, and poor forecasts, POLITICO noted this year.
Perhaps a fourth is on its way: deterrence via sinkhole.
“Nah, I’m not here to be an obstacle, I’m just here to raise awareness. Hashtag that,” Cowher said. “#RepealTheTanningTax, #Sinkhole, #StandWithCowher. That’s what I’m talking about. I’m not leaving here until I’m trending in Pittsburgh.”
As of press time, the Obama administration had already granted a modest amount of unused stimulus funds to satisfy Cowher’s hunger with gravel.
