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Ashley Dobson

Poop beards took over the internet this week.

Headlines decrying, “Your Beard May Be Filled With Poop Particles,” “Men’s Beards Are Actually Vile, Germ-y Cesspools” and “Bearded men defend their facial feces traps,” could be found on practically every site. My Facebook news feed was filled with girls tagging their boyfriends — particularly if they had been trying to get them to shave for a while — with comments like, “SEE?!?!?”

Unfortunately for the anti-beard contingent, it turned out that the so-called “study” was not very scientific at all.

It was just an Albuquerque TV station swabbing a few guys and sending the samples to Quest Diagnostics. The lab found “enteric bacteria,” which is actually everywhere. So if we want to talk about poop beards, we also have to talk about poop keyboards and poop cell phones and poop mugs and well, you get the point.

This started an entirely new headline barrage: “No, Your Beard Is Not Full of Poop,” “It’s Not Just Beards — the Whole World Is Covered in Poop,” “Stop Attacking Beards With Your Shitty Science.”

I think all this week has proved is that no one has grown out of potty humor.

Meghan Keenan

As you probably saw, “deflategate” was back in the news this week. On Wednesday, the NFL released an extensive report in the investigation over whether the New England Patriots deliberately deflated balls in last season’s AFC Championship Game. The report detailed text messages and phone calls between the Patriot’s locker room attendant and an equipment assistant and found it was “more probable than not” that the two released air from the Patriot’s game balls, after the balls were examined by the referee. The report also found that it was “more probable than not” that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was “at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities.”

Statement by Tom Brady: “I don’t have really any reaction.”

I think this sums it up pretty well.

Is anyone else over this story? The Patriots won the Super Bowl in February and I, for one, am over it. Something else I am over? The term “deflategate.”

Morgan Chalfant

Bill Clinton, I thought you’d be a better liar. Or deflector. Or question-dodger.

The former president — in obvious IDGAF mode — recently responded to a Clinton Foundation ally’s question about what the charity does with its foreign money with an unbelievable, “I don’t know.”

“I was in the U.S. 10 days ago,” said billionaire telecom entrepreneur Mo Ibrahim at a foundation conference in Morocco Wednesday. “I opened the newspaper and I was shocked to see these attacks on the [Clinton Foundation]. And what amazed me is — I used to respect American media — and I was amazed because I started to watch the news — Fox and other guys — and none of those people asked a question [about] what this foundation is doing actually.”

“What is this money for? What have you done with it?” he asked, clearly defending the charity and offering Bill the opportunity to do the same. “What is the problem?”

“I just work there, I don’t know,” Clinton snickered, insisting that “there’s one set of rules for politics in America and another set for real life and you just have to learn to deal with it” before changing the subject.

I give you your possible 2016 first lady, America.

Ryan Girdusky

Dadbods: This new craze on the Internet is men who have ditched the gym and taken up drinking beer and eating pizza. At last women’s incredibly low expectations have hit my level!

I have always belonged to a gym and never had a six-pack, except when I pressed those plastic soda rings against my stomach. … That gave me a six-pack for like four minutes. But now, with the dadbod not only socially acceptable but sought after, I’m cancelling my gym membership.

Who needs it?

And at the rate women’s expectations are falling, by the time I’m 40 … I’m gonna be like really hot, they’ll be like, “Well he has two eyes, that’s enough, right?”

#DadbodsFTW

Maria Santos

We all have that one friend who stands on their chair at dinner to take the perfect ‘gram. Or hey, maybe you are that friend! No judgement. (OK that’s a lie, I’m judging you.) These people work hard for their art. And as Martha Stewart knows all too well, making your food look appetizing doesn’t come naturally to everyone.

Seriously Martha, what is that.

Anyway! Israel’s Carmel Winery, in partnership with Tel Aviv restaurant Catit, is determined to solve all your food photography problems, by designing their entire restaurant around being Instagram ready. This includes specially-commissioned plates decked out with smartphone holders.

One plate spins all the way around, lazy susan style, to help you find that perfect angle.

Another has an L-shape to provide a constant artsy white background–like Terry Richardson is there to photograph your meals.

Still struggling? You can attend a foodgramming workshop. And then use the restaurant’s hashtag.

And never eat a meal in peace again.