I understand we rely upon technology for much too much. Siri / Google Maps, for instance, has made me less knowledgeable about my local roads and more directionally challenged. I emerge from the mouth of train stops and consult a blue dot that can’t even locate itself, but man do I need it to tell me I’m on 17th St. Siri once told me the way to drive out of Washington, D.C. was to circle the Kennedy Center twice. (“Driving around in circles” actually describes most of what happens in the nation’s capital pretty well.) Despite this, I acknowledge that these artificial intelligence apps have legitimate and practical use.
Not for this, though. Cortana, which is the Windows alternative to Siri, is marketed as having functions its competitor lacks, such as the ability to set “reminders” based on audible instructions. (Suggested use: Cortana, remind me to purchase an atlas next time.)
If you are married, I want you to watch the first nine seconds of the following advertisement, count to 10 before blowing a gasket, and run to your closest 7-Eleven for a six pack of beer to defuse. If you are not married, I want you to watch this advertisement and understand, in advance, that this is not how it’s done. If you are a human being in possession of even a microliter of sensibility, watch this advertisement, ponder the meaning of life, and spend a moment in solitary prayer for our culture.
Finished yet?
Explanatory comedian Norm MacDonald would tell you that what you just witnessed was a commercial character named Tim asking his phone to remind him that he should tell his wife Caroline “happy anniversary” the next time they speak. You see, Tim can’t tell Caroline “happy anniversary” from the goodness of his heart, or even from involuntary recall, because Tim has the kind of knee that doesn’t kick out when it’s hit with a reflex hammer. Tim needs a personal assistant, the computerized voice of Cortana, to prompt him to tell his wife, in so many words, “nice to have married you.” (And if you watch the full video, to pick up roses! So thoughtful.)
This ultimately amounts to yet another gripe about how technology is gradually replacing humanity, and it’d make for tedious reading to continue. But as it relates to this particular marketing ploy — a phone that can help you remember to tell the Salvation Army volunteer “Merry Christmas!” because it wouldn’t occur to you to do so otherwise — there is one question worth asking.
What in the hell is our problem?
