I’ve been a clinical nurse at the Sandra and Malcolm Berman Comprehensive Breast Care Center at the Greater Baltimore Medical Center since 1997 and I began working with breast cancer patients in the early ’80s.
When I first started taking cancer’s journey with patients, serving as an advocate, educator and navigator, I wondered how I would handle a diagnosis of breast cancer. I sat in awe of these women because of how bravely they dealt with the daily experience of being a cancer patient. There are so many decisions to be made, so much information to be absorbed — lumpectomy, mastectomy, reconstruction, chemotherapy, radiation, hormonal therapy, side effects.
My turn came in November 2004. I was in the shower doing a breast self-exam and I felt an unusual lump. I left for work shortly after, stayed calm and listened to Bach on the car radio while I thought about the next step to take. I felt as though I had practiced for this moment many times, having been through it all with patients. At the end of the day, I had an exam and imaging of the area, followed by an ultrasound guided core biopsy. Waiting for the biopsy results was the most difficult time. It almost felt like an out-of-body experience; like this was not happening to me. At this point I realized I had gone from being the caregiver to being the patient.
I found it difficult going home to tell my husband that I just had a breast biopsy and knew deep down our lives were about to change. When I found out the biopsy results the next day, I had a difficult time sharing them with my husband and three adult children. I was beginning to feel more and more like a patient and less like a caregiver.
After a lumpectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy I had chemotherapy. I did well during chemotherapy. I was not really sick; just more tired than usual. Dealing with the hair loss as a side effect of chemotherapy — a very visual identification of me as a cancer patient — was difficult at first. The first time I wore my streaked blond wig to work was the most difficult time since I was feeling very insecure about my appearance.
I worked during treatment, keeping my life as normal as possible, taking a few days off after each chemo treatment. I have always encouraged patients to keep their lives as normal as possible by staying active. Being at work during treatment and being there for my patients helped me to feel better, both emotionally and physically.
I have always tried to be a source of strength for my patients and my own experience has given me a greater understanding of their needs and the difficulties they face relating to their family and friends at the time of diagnosis.
It took a while for me to share my diagnosis with new patients, but I now share my experience with most. We instantly bond, almost like an exclusive club. Giving bad news is much easier for the patient when I share with them that I am a survivor. By sharing my experience I am better able to help patients face their own diagnosis and treatment as they see that I have been through treatment and I am fine.
As a caregiver you should always carefully listen to your patients. As a survivor there is a fine line between real and imagined symptoms. When to call your doctor may not be an easy decision. When one becomes a cancer patient, most new aches and pains become worrisome. At times being a survivor is difficult.
A diagnosis of breast cancer does not have to be a bad thing. In fact, one of my young patients told me her life became better as a result of having been diagnosed with breast cancer. Patients make wonderful new friends. We can take long journeys, rise to the occasion and become stronger and more compassionate people.
Barbara Raksin is a clinical nurse at the Sandra and Malcolm Berman Comprehensive Breast Care Center at Greater Baltimore Medical Center. In addition to being a nurse, she is a volunteer for Komen for the Cure, Maryland affiliate, where she served two terms on the board of directors. She lives in Baltimore with her husband, Dr. Irving Raksin. They have three adult children, Dr. Patricia Raksin and twin sons, David and Jonathan Raksin.
