Do I consider myself a financial wizard? Modesty prevents me from saying, but I will note that I am regularly approached — often by people I’ve never even met — to consult on major up-and-coming investment opportunities. The word must have gotten out about my expertise, for why else would complete strangers e-mail me with “EXCLUSIVE OPPORTUNITIES” to invest in stocks that are “ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!!!” or the chance to earn “$100K per mo GUARANTEED — TAX FREE!!!”
I don’t mean to boast, but even now, as a result of a recent e-mail, I am in the process of beginning a multimillion-dollar business partnership with none other than the widow of a formerNigerian president. In fact, things are looking so promising that I’ve already been contacted by the former president’s son as well!
So clearly, when it comes to financial matters, I know what I’m talking about. Which is why you’re going to want to pay attention as I reveal that the next huge moneymaker about to break wide open is: celebrity sandwiches.
“Celebrity sandwiches?” I hear you say with incredulity. “Is this just another bonehead idea like your plan to sell home laser eye surgery kits? I haven’t even written a check yet, and I already want my money back.”
Fair enough, but at least hear me out. As you may recall, a few years ago a Florida woman got $28,000 for auctioning off a grilled cheese sandwich that featured what some believed was an uncanny likeness of the Virgin Mary. Admittedly, many of us dismissed this as a one-time event involving an opportunistic seller and a delusional buyer looking to blow all the money left over after the purchase — and ingestion — of a substantial supply of expired pharmaceuticals.
And so we went on eating our grilled cheese sandwiches, foolishly neglecting to first inspect the toasted bread for the faces of major religious figures like Moses, the pope or L. Ron Hubbard.
It turns out, however, that there are additional ways to make a bundle from an otherwise ordinary sandwich. I base this assessment on the recent eBay auction of an egg salad sandwich the seller claimed had been partially eaten by noted pop singer and “Mother of the Year” candidate Britney Spears. What was left of the sandwich, along with the remains of a corn dog hubby Kevin Federline had been noshing on, wound up selling for $520.
The key now, is obviously to take the celebrity/religious icon sandwich phenomenon to the next level. If a Virgin Mary grilled cheese is worth $28,000 and a Britney Spears half-eaten egg salad sandwich goes for $500 (we’ll be generous and attribute theother $20 to the K-Fed corn dog), how much could an enterprising individual get for a Reuben with the face of Jesus on it and a couple bites taken out of it by, say, the Olsen twins? We’re talking at a minimum low six figures just as an opening bid.
Sure, there’s some legwork involved — you’ll probably have to grill at least a couple dozen sandwiches before you’ll see a religious figure’s face staring back at you from one of them. With that accomplished, however, all you need to do is dress your sandwich up, take it to the next big Hollywood premiere and work the red carpet. But watch out — from the looks of most of today’s young starlets, one of them may just try to scarf down your entire investment in one bite.
I would take advantage of this great opportunity myself, mind you, except that my eyes are overly sensitive to flashbulbs ever since that damned botched home Lasik surgery.
Sign up today for Examiner columnist Malcolm Fleschner’s upcoming investment seminar, “Turning Your Sliced Bread Into Dough.”
