Recently, my friend, colleague, and fellow mother of four, Bethany Mandel, wrote an excellent article in these pages about how strange and awful it is for wives to publicly excoriate their husbands over grievances and frustrations that emerge during the coronavirus quarantine. I’ve observed a similar pattern, also disturbing, of parents complaining about their children during this difficult time. My message is similar: Stop complaining about your children, and be careful what you say about them publicly.
First, some parents have made light of the situation and are straight-up hilarious. I’m not talking about these folks:
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) March 22, 2020
Quarantine Day One: This could be fun! I’ve always wondered what it would be like to homeschool!
Quarantine Day One [at breakfast]: SO HELP ME GOD, MOVE YOUR FOOT AWAY FROM YOUR BROTHER’S CEREAL BOWL OR I WILL FIND A SCHOOL IN THIS COUNTRY THAT IS OPEN AND DRIVE US THERE TODAY
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 16, 2020
It’s OK to joke around. I applaud the use of levity during the coronavirus crisis, and I have myself texted friends similar lighthearted posts or even occasional, serious complaints. However, children do use social media, and they do grow up — so parents should be careful they’re not saying something, even if they’re just venting or trying to be funny, that children could later find hurtful.
A few weeks ago, the left-wing outlet Slate hosted a podcast, “Are you ready to be home with your children all day?” The podcast was partially focused on preparation, yet partially about venting frustration that the children we have all chosen to raise might actually have to live with us in our home during the day. (The horror!) Worse, there are entire Reddit threads full of parents complaining about their children being home.
The real root of the complaints, even the funny ones, is perplexing to me and always has been. Sadly, this is not a new phenomenon, even if the coronavirus has made it more widespread.
I always see some form of parents venting on social media that their children are home over the summer. Log on to Facebook during the first week the children go back to school, and you’ll think every mother has single-handedly achieved world peace, she’s so happy and relieved. Parents who regularly complain publicly about their children being a handful make me genuinely wonder why they chose to raise children in the first place. You did know they would live primarily in your home… right?
While I have heard adults complain loudly and publicly about their children being home all day, a lot of their grievances are due to the pressure to work from home, keep their household together (groceries, cleaning, etc.), and facilitate their children’s distance learning from home. The New York Post published an article, which was both cringeworthy and relatable: “An Israeli mother of four has unleashed a hilarious — but relatable — rant on video about having her children home all day, yelling that ‘if we don’t die from the coronavirus, we’ll die of distance learning.’”
I certainly understand her frustration, although, for me, the problem stems more from the education system than my own children. Children aren’t wired to learn via computers, and schools aren’t really set up for it well. Not to mention, some days, I’ve gotten up to 30 messages for my four children just from various teachers and administrators.
One local Florida television station reports about harried parents who have just decided online distance learning is too much for their already-packed work schedules:
“I’d rather have him watch classic Godzilla movies and play in the yard and pretend to be a Jedi rather than figure out basic math,” said Alexandra Nicholson, whose son is in kindergarten. STORY: https://t.co/Xg0abJgC4C
— FOX 13 Tampa Bay (@FOX13News) April 27, 2020
Parents still need to tread carefully here balancing their own exasperation. Complaints about children and distance learning often look more like just parents being angry their children are home at all.
Parents, remember that children can’t help that they’re home right now. It’s important to try to separate petty complaints about a child’s “annoying” behavior and the logistics of juggling working, schooling, and parenting from home. These are two separate issues.
The coronavirus or not, one day, parents are going to look back and miss a few things they see as frustrating right now.
Children are only young once, and as long as these days may feel, time with them in the grand scheme of life passes quickly. For our family, as much as the coronavirus has shifted when and how I work, and when and how they do online distance learning, we’ve enjoyed having more time together, more hours in the sunshine, and simple things such as a sporadic trip for ice cream after school.
If you’re a parent, you must learn how to balance providing for your children and spending time with your children. You must learn how to regulate your emotional reactions to everyday, petty frustrations with the long-term, collective goal of keeping everyone safe.
If you’re a parent, your child’s well-being, emotional and physical, should transcend that brief moment of satisfaction you feel when you’ve thrown them under the bus publicly for being annoying (even though you’ve also revealed your own lack of maturity). It’s normal and OK to get frustrated and vent to a friend on occasion, but be careful about airing your grievances to thousands of strangers online. Your children deserve unconditional love and support, and it’s not OK to treat them like a launching pad for your own inability to keep it together during a difficult time.
